Brought to my attention

It's been brought to my attention that I haven't been blogging as much and that it's been a bit negative lately. So here's a little bit of what's been going on and it really is mostly good stuff... :)

I've been busy! Between 2 homeschool groups, 2 meetup/mommy groups, trying to help plan a wedding and my own family, I'm busy!

It's good. Things are good. I'm still getting to know my brother and I'm extremely excited about that, like finding a piece of the puzzle that makes you feel a little closer to complete.

We've been doing good with school, we are laid back about it and very easy going but we get a lot of work done. Oriana's learning to read and getting better every single day. Ophelia is a reading fanatic. She reads about an hour a day on average, but some days she will read for 3-4 hours all together.

We do a lot of field trips, or trips in general that we turn into a lesson. Actually, we turn pretty much everything into a lesson. I LOVE homeschooling my girls. I can't wait for next year when I've got a better idea of what I want to accomplish for the year and the things that I want us to learn together and do as a family. I am planning potential field trips and road trips for educational purposes for next school year.

Adrian and I are doing good as well. We went camping last weekend after the girls and I had a 5 day stay at my good friend Jenns (in Tennessee) The trip to Tn. definately rocked! It's a long drive but the time spent is worth it:). We definately felt a lot more like ourselves after going camping. We are refreshed as persons and as a couple.

This week is packed full of homeschool group meetups and mommy meetups... everything is just grand. Money could be better, bills keep rolling in left and right and it's getting overwhelming... but really, when couldn't money be better, always a battle! That's really my only complaint though, so that's good!

Daughters

I've got a few. I've always been mom for my entire adult life. There's been a lot of hard times, there's been a lot of good times. But for the last 14 years I've been pregnant, breastfeeding or chasing a toddler. I'm going through so many transitions right now I think my brain is shutting down.
~moving across country for the 3rd time in 3 years
~missing 2 of the most important things in my life, Alex and Abbi
~uprooting my kids, again
~getting accustomed to a new area
~trying to make new friends
~finding my brothers
~coming to terms with the fact that there will be no more babies, no more diapers, no more baby talk, no more toddlers, bottles, pacifiers, onesies, fat baby toes, nursing, rocking and so much more involved with babies.

I'm sad about all of this. Yeah, I love my life, but there is a few key things that are missing and I'm trying my best to have a positive outlook, but sometimes it just sucks, you know?

I miss my kids, I miss Amy, I miss my Dad, I miss my brothers - all of them, I miss my shop, I miss my HOME, I want my own things back, I want my house and I want my freaking Murano back. Yeah, really, I'm including a car in the list of things that I miss on a daily basis. It's been almost 2 years now and I am still morning the loss of my Murano. lol. How long is acceptable to miss a car? I don't care, I want it back.

I hate this shit of having kids spread out all over the country. Part of me wants to tell Adrian that I'm going home and we will just have to live separately until the things that need to be accomplished here before moving on have been done and then we'll get back on track. But that is too damned hard too. Everything is too damned hard.

There's my pitty session for the day. Sorry if I brought you down. I just don't know how long I can continue living without my A's close to me, without seeing their school performances, missing out on every damned thing. I try to be positive about it and I feel guilty a lot of times because I don't want to be too upset about it in front of Adrian, he has it much harder with the situation with his boys and I feel guilty if I'm getting too upset all the time when he had to hold it together for so long. But DAMN IT I am sad. I want my girls, all of them, with me. I feel good about where they are, I know they are taken care of and that's the only thing getting me through this. I feel like I'm reaching my limit and I'm not even half way into my limit. I just don't know that I can make it two fucking years.

It's just too much.

Haven't been blogging

I know, I haven't been around much. I was traveling so much, I'm finally getting back into my routine. I got a car, so that explains alot of my disappearance. I'm getting out to a lot of homeschool related events and getting more and more involved in groups that are giving the kids and I both a lot of socialization. It's great. I really do love my life. Even if I'm not where I want to be and I don't have the things that I ultimately want. I'm still really enjoying my life and I'm so grateful to my husband for taking care of us all so well that I am able to stay home and have this life. I'm happy.
Be back sometime soon!

Carless = Lifeless

Or at least it sure as hell feels like it. I know, I can take the bus, I'm perfectly capable. I just haven't quite figured out the logistics of taking the kids with me to get groceries and carrying everything on the bus. I've been home since Sunday and although I haven't really needed to go anywhere, I'm irritated as hell that I can't. I'm over it, get me a FRICKIN' CAR! I'm done with this shit.

Family

Did you all see that post on Being a Mother? Did those of you that read that also read that my long lost brother FOUND me through this blog and posted a comment to that post?

Well, he did, and I haven't been able to focus on much since then. We've been in contact, writing emails and one awesome phone conversation (though my immediate family couldn't find it in thier hearts to shut UP while I was on the phone!). He's even flying me out to visit him, and the rest of his new-to-me family - sister-in-law and 2 nephews and 2 neices, and a couple of giant doggies too.


Let me tell you what this means to me, to have my brother back....

When I was 11 I found out I had two brothers that I had previously known nothing about. I remember it very well. I was down the street at a friends house and someone came to get me, to tell me to come home, your brothers had found their dad, MY Dad. Wha? Huh? Uh, ok.
I was thrilled. I would have loved to have been told I had a long lost sister too. Since I already had 3 older brothers and zero sisters that was the dream, give me a sister! But 2 more brothers it is and I'll take it!

So when I was 15 I got to meet Ben (I still think of you as Gan though, can't help that). Ben had driven from somewhere far and stayed with us for what I remember as a couple of weeks or so, but who knows how long it was... all I knew was that I had another brother, a great one, one that seemed to instantly care about me, even if we hadn't shared oatmeal in the mornings of our childhood, there was a connection that said he was my brother and there was love and caring there. Wow, right?

Not too long after I got to meet my other long lost brother Bill, my fathers- UGH- OUR FATHERS first son who was named after him. I remember feeling a connection with him as well and felt blessed to suddenly have 2 more big brothers. That's 5 big brothers and no sisters, a girl feels somewhat safe with 5 big brothers.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a touchy feely or mushy person, to hear "I love you" come from my mouth you have to have been around for a very long time. I'm the most emotional person that I know, I cry over everything! I wear my heart on my sleeve, people say. But I don't talk about it. I don't voice my feelings I just cry about them, major downfall I know. So though I was overjoyed with having these new people in my life I probably didn't show it. Maybe that contributed to the lack of contact for the last 14 years, who knows?

I was pregnant with my oldest child when I last heard from either Bill or Ben, so I was 17. I remember the conversation with Bill very very distinctly. I've thought about it over the years a lot. I'm unsure of the reason why he keeps his distance. I get the feeling from him that I'm not a very important part of his life. From Ben I get a different feeling. I don't know why that is, but I feel like Ben is more interested in me, in his neices even. I don't know why or how we all lost contact after being oblivious to each other for so very long in the first place but I'm sure it was the fault of all 3 of us.

I tried over the years to make contact again and failed. I googled my brothers, I searched every people search engine I could find. But I always came back empty handed. Which makes absolutely no sense, but perhaps I spelled their last name wrong or something of the like.

When Dad died, I searched more and my friends searched. I couldn't not tell them! I had to let them know! I thought I found their mothers number. I didn't have much to go on though. I left a message on an answering machine, I made sure to leave my phone number in case I somehow had the wrong number I requested that the person who would get the message please call me back if it was not for whom it was intended. I never heard back.

All along I had no idea that Ben was looking for me too. You'd think with a name like mine that a person would be able to find me, right? Wrong, I've never lived in one place long enough to be in a phone book (currently a dream of mine). So how in the heck would anyone find me when I move all the time?!

{Geeze this is getting long}

In the blog I wrote about being a mother, I spoke about family, about my brothers that don't make an effort to keep in touch. Primarily I was speaking of the brothers I grew up with, the ones who know me and know how I had to have been hurting when Dad died but didn't care enough to so much as check on me in the weeks following. I had never in my life felt so alone, so unimportant. Is there a bigger word for alone? It's not enough, it doesn't describe the lonliness that I went through, doesn't even come close. Abandoned? That's close. My oldest brother from my moms side, Steve, he called a few times I believe.

This is making me totally sad and I don't really remember where I was going with this blog.... Ok, I had to read it all over to figure out where I was going. lol

After driving cross country this summer, having had my 31st birthday in a hotel room with pizza for a present and finally moved in to a house and getting internet on, I checked my email for the first time in that house to find the comment Ben had left me. In fact I read it while the cable guy was still at my house doing the installation, I couldn't believe my eyes. I was just amazed. After all these years there he was, MY brother, commenting on MY blog. Wow. I instantly had tears in my eyes and for the next few weeks I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I couldn't sleep. I laid awake at night wondering about Ben and Bill, what their lives were like, what their families were like... everything.

And now I'm getting on a plane next week to see Ben, my daughters will meet an uncle they didn't know much about at all. I am extremely excited for this. Ben has already made it clear that I am important to him and that creating an extended family for his children is just as important to him as it is to me.

A few weeks ago Ben and I were exchanging emails and he said something to me that I hadn't thought of before. He said that we deserved to grow up together. It made me really think about things. I think I was so grateful to have him back that I didn't think about what I missed out on so much. But it's so true, we were children at the same time, yet we knew nothing of each other. We did deserve to grow up together and I'm very sad that we didn't get that opportunity. It is heartbreaking to think of really. It shouldn't have been the way it was, but there is no going back, only moving forward. So I'm trying, I'm extremely grateful for the chance to know my brothers again and I'll probably drive them insane with my crazy antics.

Holy hell this got long! Well there's my blog for the month, maybe I'll write again after my visit with Ben.

:)

What's REALLY on my mind that I don't ever write about.

You don't blog as much anymore.

Really? You mean people actually look at my blog? Someone noticed that I haven't been writing much at all? lol

Ok, I hear you. I'll try. ok?

So what do you write about when you have about 89 things on your mind?

Here's what I think about all day every day - keep in mind I have VERY VERY little social/adult interaction. Remembering that is crucial in getting through the rest of this post.

Homeschooling -
I wonder if I'm really cut out for it all. I wonder if I'm really crazy. I wonder if people wonder if I'm really cut out for it all. Then I start thinking of allllll of the reasons why I'm doing this and I remember that this is really what I've always wanted to do. I tell myself that this is the first year and that I should just take it easy, make sure I'm working the kids but not overworking them either... I'd hate for ANY of us to get burned out on this anytime soon.
I'm constantly asking myself questions like, am I documenting enough, am I doing enough projects... I need to get involved with more groups, I need the kids to have friends & connections - but I don't have a car and I haven't figured out the busses... and that sends me off onto the next most thought about subject -

Should I buy a car?
When I think about all of the polution we are not contributing too, all of the money we are not spending on so many different things that involve owning a car, about the fact that we are next door to the library and that there is a pool out my front door - it makes me feel proud that we haven't caved and bought a car. It makes me feel good about those things.
But I feel bad when I'm sitting home and NEED to get to the grocery store but I can't walk that far due to the pain from my fibroids. This is what happened Monday. Then there is the fact that I finally found a Homeschool group that I joined and I want to get involved, really involved, but it means a lot more planning than just planning on going and getting up that day and jumping in the car - I have to look at the bus route and figure out if I can get to that place on time and how much will the three of us have to walk and can we manage it and will I be embarrassed when I get there and is it all worth it or am I doing the right thing by not falling back into the American life that I don't want to fall victim to.
What do I mean by the American life - I mean people that don't bother to be concerned about anything but convenience. Period. They don't think for themselves. If Mc.D's says that big ass salad is good for you, and look it's right here and easy next to the chicken nuggets that you are getting your children (adding the chocolate milk and apple slices designed to make you feel better about buying this completey mindless and un-nutricious meal for your child) so you might as well just go ahead and get it. So you end up buying it and then later you may or may not realize that you could've eaten a big mac meal for the same amount of calories, fat and sodium. Yum. Don't you feel good about that salad?
See - this is why I don't write about this stuff, but it swims around in my head constantly.
I'm going to put this section to an end because I simply could just go forever, but you get what I'm saying right? I don't want to buy a car simply because it's easier and it's the "normal" thing to do.

So anyway, what else fills my mind... I hate to admit this but here it is....
I want another baby... yes, you read that right. I want to birth a baby at home, I feel like somehow I was robbed of an experience that every mother deserves.
But alas... I'm fixed, tubes tied, done. Soon the dr.'s will want to take my uterus because of the fibroids and I can say bye-bye to any kind of hope that I will once again birth and nurse a baby.

What else do I think about?
NOT falling victim to the consumerism that is Christmas. Yes, I LOVE Christmas, I love the magic of it and the season.... love it all. What I don't love? The over-spending, the over-eating (ok, I really love that part, but I hate what it does to my body), the mindless shopping,the over-packaging shit that comes with every toy, the selfishness that is invoked by seeing all of these things advertised as the years hottest presents. I hate that I constantly want to buy buy buy. I want real presents that don't hurt anyone or anything... it'd be nice if I could buy all handmade and eco-friendly AND fair trade gifts. I don't want to feel pressured into buying my little girls those evil fucking Bratz dolls that dress scantly clad and wear make-up that makes them look like they were just working the corner downtown - our kids look up to these things, they want to BE LIKE THEM.

See - do you see why I'm so fucked up? These are just a few things that go through my head every single fucking day. Yeah, and I love the F word and I feel bad about it but then I don't feel bad about it because I really don't believe that I'm going to spend eternity in hell for using the word fuck.

So there it is folks... a freaking book about what I think about every day... and I didn't even get to the part about eating healthy vs. losing weight. Yes, in my day to day those two things go head to head... I'll tell you why in some later rant, if I don't get shut down after this one. ;)

Living without a car

It's almost unacceptable in our society really. WHAT? You don't have a CAR? Think about that, how often do you hear of a suburban family that doesn't have a car? (exculding those large cities where pretty much no one has a car) It's been a few weeks now that I have been car-less and I find myself struggling with the idea of getting a car daily.

Thing is, we don't have a car payment right now, we don't have to carry insurance, and we don't pay for gas. At least once a week my friend Brenda comes and takes me out of the house. And she watches the kids on the weekends sometimes so that Adrian and I can get out. She'll let me borrow her car if I need it, or even just want it.
So really, NOT having a car is saving us upwards of $7-800 a MONTH. That is a LOT of freakin' money!

On top of the money you save directly and obviously from not owning a car, comes the in-direct and certainly not obvious savings that come forth. When you own a car, you think nothing of running out to the store when you are out of milk, right? But what happens then is that you end up spending $50 at the grocery store on all of the things that you didn't really need, weren't really sure if you needed, and of course the last minute impulse buys. Then you have the random stops, like yard sales and stores that you suddenly think "I need something from there!". The gas you use and the money you spend in those unexpected stops adds up quick! I can't believe how long I've had the same amount of money in my account.

Weekend before last I rented a car for the weekend, Fri. - Tues. - it ended up costing us around $200. It was really nice to have it, and be able to get things done that I'd like to do. I may rent a car this weekend as well. Though probably not for as many days, just Fri.-Mon. would be perfect.

There is a bus stop very close to my home, but I haven't yet ventured that far. If I knew this area better, I'd be on that bus every day, going and doing things to keep me busy. But again, that's spending more money that I really don't need to spend.

This all reminds me of living with my Dad back in Eureka, we hardly ever had a car. It wasn't devastating though. I remember taking the bus everywhere I needed to go, Dad and I frequented the bus lines and knew the drivers by name and such. We had no problem with it. When we didn't use the bus, we walked. We walked a lot in those days and guess what? I was a lot less fat as well! Hmm, wonder why?

So, these are the kinds of things that go through my head all of the time right now, since for the most part I'm not leaving my home much. I'm a little obsessive about it I think. Being stuck at home is driving me a little bonkers and I am thinking about calling a cab to go to the shopping center, walk around and buy some things that I need from the grocery store before getting a cab back home.

In closing, I'd like to say that I'm proud of myself, for going this long without any means of transportation. Also, more importantly, I'm not contributing to nearly as much pollution!!! :-D