Ok, this is pathetic!

I can't write today. It just seems that there is too much random stuff to write about.

So, we'll just go with the flow and see if you people can keep up :P

I think I must be bi-polar. One day I love this business and the next I hate it. It can't possibly have anything to do with the fact that one day is awesome and the next is very very very lonely. Right?

Birthdays - Friday is my 30th. You probably already know this if you know me at all, as I have managed to tell everyone, a lot. But, a very good friend of mine, her's is tomorrow, and I have forgotten it. Knowing fully well that her bday is the day before mine, all I can think about is myself. I'm really disappointed in myself. I love you Jenn! Sorry I'm such a shitty friend, forgetting about you!

Today is my brothers birthday and even though I've barely spoken to him in years, it really hits me on his birthday how much I miss and love him still, asshole that he is. I really wish my family wasn't so spread out and (searching for the right word) detached. It's like none of us care about each other at all. I don't understand how something like this happens. Why don't we care, or try to stay in touch. There are 3 brothers, and me - the boys have different dads and my dad is gone. My brothers don't give a crap about me and my mom conciders me dead. How nice. One of my brothers talks to everyone, but no one else talks to anyone but him. What the hell is that about? I mean really, what kind of family doesn't communicate at all? The kind that is not a family. The kind that makes me feel so alone in this world. There is no one to mourn the death of my Daddy with. That hurts.

Speaking of Daddy - this is a warning. I've been thinking about the coming holidays lately and I'm realizing that this holiday season is not going to be anything less than heart wrenching. The first week in November marks the last time I spoke to my dad. The end of November (particularly Thanksgiving) marks a year since the time that I knew something was wrong and booked my flight. The first week of December marks a year since I got that horrible phone call on the way to the airport from the coroner in my dads town asking if I knew him and that he was investigating his death. December 12th to be exact. December 14th was/is (is it was or is?) his birthday. Then there's Christmas, which marks 2 years this year since the last time I saw him, hugged him, pushed away his kiss on my ear, smelled his icky smell that now seems so sweet, watched him hold my kids and love them, layed my head on his lap and felt him stroke my hair as he always did. God I miss him.

Well it sure is a good thing it's so slow in here today since I just gave myself a nice little crying fit over that! lol. Yeesh!

What else can I ramble about that maybe won't make me cry as much. Hmm... Wookie, I need to go to Pendleton now. For my birthday? SEE I'm obsessed with my damn birthday!

Coffee, now there's a subject worth rambling about. I've never been a big coffee drinker - I know I know - it's wierd. I've always liked a mocha, or a latte, but I've just never been into having coffee every day or anything. All of the sudden, in the last few months, I have about 2 - 3 cups a day. And I was fine not having any until I had it made here at the shop. Now I want it made when I wake up. LoL. I need a travel mug now because I actually want it before I make it at the shop and I wouldn't want to leave it behind. Crap, that reminds me that I still need to get Adrian one, I forgot. LOL.

Well I think I wrote enough for today, wouldn't you agree? Let's see if I can end on a happy note...
~Coffee, Chocolate, and Men are so much better rich!
~Why Coffee is better than Men

You can make coffee as sweet as you desire.
A cup of coffee always looks good.
Coffee smells good.
Coffee tastes good.
Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
You can have a good conversation with coffee.
You can have coffee anywhere, anytime, and not get arrested.
You can have as many coffees as you desire.
Coffee doesn't care what you look like.
~I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it!