Being a Mother

I have learned a lot. My own mother taught me a lot of valuable lessons of what I like to call "what-not-to-do's". It seems that I meet a lot of women who have horrible relationships with their own mothers. My soon to be Mother In Law reminds me every once in a while that I "only have one TRUE mother". I wish I could feel close to her. I wish I could feel that I make her proud. I wish that just once, she'd apologize with sincerity. I get apologies from time to time from her. She likes to do it like this - "I'm sorry you were hurt by that". She doesn't seem to understand how hurtful just that sentence is. You're sorry, but you're not sorry for what you did that hurt me, just that I happened to be hurt by it? What kind of an apology is that? I'll tell you what kind, it's the "FINE, I'll apologize, but only because you want it and NOT because I'm admitting that I did anything wrong!" kind. That's the worst kind. That's the kind that makes me think that you must not be very sorry or very sincere. An insincere apology is not an apology. It's a way out for you. It's a way for you to say that you tried.

For those of you that know me very well, you know that my relationship with my father was much more easy than that with my mother. My father tried his best, he told me that he was proud of me, that he was impressed by me and he always made me feel assured that I was always making the right choices. He stood beside me, no matter what I did. Do you know how lonely in this world you can feel when that one supportive parent suddenly dies? Your brothers don't make any effort to know you, much less keep in contact with you, your aunts and uncles barely know you and seem to not care much wether you live and breathe or not. Your mother only wants to be a woman, not a mother, not supportive. My brother Steve is my only family. He's all that's left, and all that cares. I feel bad for him because I see something in his eyes when I visit with him. I'm not sure if it's pain. But I do think that it is some sort of "big brother" responsibility. He knows I'm alone in this world and seems to want to make sure that HE is not one of the many blood-related relatives who just don't give a fuck about me and my life. I love him for that, but hate that he feels responsible. I could be way off base about him feeling responsibility, but there is something in his eyes, something that makes me feel like he wishes he could take care of me. I don't need taking care of, but rather support. I lost my lone chearleader in this world, and what I miss the most sometimes is having someone who was genuinly proud of me.

I don't mean for this to be one of those sad posts... I don't know what I mean for it to be as it is ass-early in the morning. It's just getting light outside and my world is full of questions right now. So I'm writing, that's what happens when I'm feeling all chaotic inside. Whoever reads this just gets to try to sort through the chaos.Good luck.

Just because they sing country?

Makes them a target? Makes it so that they can be judged harshly, their music taken off of the air completely? They are not recognized in the country music circle in the least now, all because of their opinions? Yet, Pink has a song that makes pretty much the same statement.... I doubt her music will be removed from the air, or that she will not be recognized at any of the various award ceremonies...

I'm proud to be a Dixie Chicks fan, I'm proud that they have stood up for themselves, I'm proud to be me, and able to stand up for what I believe in as well. I will never understand why people have turned their backs on such an amazingly talented group of women WHO HAPPEN TO SPEAK THEIR MIND! I thought this was America - free speach and all that... hmmm.

Yes, it's been a couple of years and I'm still irritated about it. Probably because I've not had the guts before now to speak up and say I'M with YOU Chicks! Because I fear confrontation, because I hate debates for the fear that I will be uninformed, or I will miss something that someone else didn't... and will be proven wrong. Well... go ahead and try to prove me wrong. I don't give a flying shit. HA! I believe what I believe, and I will always stand behind these women.


The lyrics of this song are so strong and so empowering! I love it!
If you haven't watched this before, watch it now, as a favor to me... just because.


I'm also proud to stand behind this woman and her words, this video made me cry!

Ah the sweet sweet internet

I just spoke with my brother, for the first time I actually remembered to call him ON his birthday. He says "on your blog, it says something about health problems, are you ok?". Interesting, I think, that I didn't know that he visited my blog or even was that internet savvy. My apologies Steve. So I just think that it is a little funny that he keeps up with it.

So I suppose I should post, since I will be gone on a very girly trip for two weeks starting this weekend. I am pretty sure that I will not be able to update very often for the summer. They tend to be very busy with camping and road trips. Thank God that I have a man that appreciates that about me and supports me to take off for a week or two while leaving him behind to keep working. I know, I'm extremely spoiled!
I mentioned before health problems... so I'll give you a little update on that so that those of you that are worried (but not enough to call, I won't mention any naSTEVEmes) could put your minds to rest. :)

We found fibroids on my uterus. In short they are tumors that just keep growing and growing. They are not cancerous and they are not shown to have a very high success rate at either treating them nor removing them surgically. I'm seeing a Licensed Naturopathic Physician for treatment. We'll see if after 6 months - 1 year of treatment with supplements, lifestyle changes and other treatment if they stay the same or shrink in size. If they don't shrink and my symptoms get worse or even stay the same then we will talk about surgery to remove my uterus. NOT a nice option. I would opt for the procedure that lets me at least keep my ovaries in place as to avoid the need for hormone therapy through menopause.

I still have a couple of tests, one is to determine how my body processes and converts hormones. That will tell us exactly what level of progesterone that I will need to take, since fibroids are the result of too much estrogen in your system. If we can balance it out, it's possible that they will either stop growing, or even better, they could even shrink. It doesn't look extremely promising that I won't have to have my uterus ripped out... but it's worth a shot! Ok, everyone updated enough now? The only thing that I skipped over was the symptoms that fibroids cause, because it's rather "girly" and I don't think that everyone would appreciate hearing about my 15 day periods (that have caused me to be aneimic and other issues result from bleeding like that). So I'll skip that part, well at least most of it.

In other news:
My trip - I'm going to Portland, Roseburg, Medford & Tacoma. I'll be visiting friends and the very little family that I have left along the way while also doing parties for my business. I have 4 parties planned and I can't WAIT to see everyone!

I'll be gone for 2 full weeks and the only thing that upsets me about that is that I won't get to be camping with Adrian during that time. :) I love that time with him.

After I get back, I'll have a week to prepare for a trip to Tennessee, to be with my dear friend Jenn, who's having a homebirth (I'm so proud of you!) only a couple of short weeks after making an out of state move! Crazy, but awesome! She is one of the strongest women that I know and I'm proud to be her friend, and to be there to help her during such an important event!

After Tennessee, I should be home for a while, focusing on business and getting a LOT of time in with Adrian while the kiddo's are off with other family for the summer. We're planning our wedding and this summer we'll be looking for the perfect spot in the mountains to commit to each other.

What else, OH kitties! Did I already tell you all about the kitties? They are so cute! They are 3 weeks old (or is it 4? hmm) and they are just starting to play with each other. They are amazing, so much fun to watch their little uncoordinated bodies attempting to go in one direction, but their big heads just pulling them down. lol. It's quite a sight.

I think this has turned out long enough now... on to my breakfast and vitamins. Hope everyone has a great day! :)