You don't blog as much anymore.
Really? You mean people actually look at my blog? Someone noticed that I haven't been writing much at all? lol
Ok, I hear you. I'll try. ok?
So what do you write about when you have about 89 things on your mind?
Here's what I think about all day every day - keep in mind I have VERY VERY little social/adult interaction. Remembering that is crucial in getting through the rest of this post.
Homeschooling -
I wonder if I'm really cut out for it all. I wonder if I'm really crazy. I wonder if people wonder if I'm really cut out for it all. Then I start thinking of allllll of the reasons why I'm doing this and I remember that this is really what I've always wanted to do. I tell myself that this is the first year and that I should just take it easy, make sure I'm working the kids but not overworking them either... I'd hate for ANY of us to get burned out on this anytime soon.
I'm constantly asking myself questions like, am I documenting enough, am I doing enough projects... I need to get involved with more groups, I need the kids to have friends & connections - but I don't have a car and I haven't figured out the busses... and that sends me off onto the next most thought about subject -
Should I buy a car?
When I think about all of the polution we are not contributing too, all of the money we are not spending on so many different things that involve owning a car, about the fact that we are next door to the library and that there is a pool out my front door - it makes me feel proud that we haven't caved and bought a car. It makes me feel good about those things.
But I feel bad when I'm sitting home and NEED to get to the grocery store but I can't walk that far due to the pain from my fibroids. This is what happened Monday. Then there is the fact that I finally found a Homeschool group that I joined and I want to get involved, really involved, but it means a lot more planning than just planning on going and getting up that day and jumping in the car - I have to look at the bus route and figure out if I can get to that place on time and how much will the three of us have to walk and can we manage it and will I be embarrassed when I get there and is it all worth it or am I doing the right thing by not falling back into the American life that I don't want to fall victim to.
What do I mean by the American life - I mean people that don't bother to be concerned about anything but convenience. Period. They don't think for themselves. If Mc.D's says that big ass salad is good for you, and look it's right here and easy next to the chicken nuggets that you are getting your children (adding the chocolate milk and apple slices designed to make you feel better about buying this completey mindless and un-nutricious meal for your child) so you might as well just go ahead and get it. So you end up buying it and then later you may or may not realize that you could've eaten a big mac meal for the same amount of calories, fat and sodium. Yum. Don't you feel good about that salad?
See - this is why I don't write about this stuff, but it swims around in my head constantly.
I'm going to put this section to an end because I simply could just go forever, but you get what I'm saying right? I don't want to buy a car simply because it's easier and it's the "normal" thing to do.
So anyway, what else fills my mind... I hate to admit this but here it is....
I want another baby... yes, you read that right. I want to birth a baby at home, I feel like somehow I was robbed of an experience that every mother deserves.
But alas... I'm fixed, tubes tied, done. Soon the dr.'s will want to take my uterus because of the fibroids and I can say bye-bye to any kind of hope that I will once again birth and nurse a baby.
What else do I think about?
NOT falling victim to the consumerism that is Christmas. Yes, I LOVE Christmas, I love the magic of it and the season.... love it all. What I don't love? The over-spending, the over-eating (ok, I really love that part, but I hate what it does to my body), the mindless shopping,the over-packaging shit that comes with every toy, the selfishness that is invoked by seeing all of these things advertised as the years hottest presents. I hate that I constantly want to buy buy buy. I want real presents that don't hurt anyone or anything... it'd be nice if I could buy all handmade and eco-friendly AND fair trade gifts. I don't want to feel pressured into buying my little girls those evil fucking Bratz dolls that dress scantly clad and wear make-up that makes them look like they were just working the corner downtown - our kids look up to these things, they want to BE LIKE THEM.
See - do you see why I'm so fucked up? These are just a few things that go through my head every single fucking day. Yeah, and I love the F word and I feel bad about it but then I don't feel bad about it because I really don't believe that I'm going to spend eternity in hell for using the word fuck.
So there it is folks... a freaking book about what I think about every day... and I didn't even get to the part about eating healthy vs. losing weight. Yes, in my day to day those two things go head to head... I'll tell you why in some later rant, if I don't get shut down after this one. ;)
