Daughters

I've got a few. I've always been mom for my entire adult life. There's been a lot of hard times, there's been a lot of good times. But for the last 14 years I've been pregnant, breastfeeding or chasing a toddler. I'm going through so many transitions right now I think my brain is shutting down.
~moving across country for the 3rd time in 3 years
~missing 2 of the most important things in my life, Alex and Abbi
~uprooting my kids, again
~getting accustomed to a new area
~trying to make new friends
~finding my brothers
~coming to terms with the fact that there will be no more babies, no more diapers, no more baby talk, no more toddlers, bottles, pacifiers, onesies, fat baby toes, nursing, rocking and so much more involved with babies.

I'm sad about all of this. Yeah, I love my life, but there is a few key things that are missing and I'm trying my best to have a positive outlook, but sometimes it just sucks, you know?

I miss my kids, I miss Amy, I miss my Dad, I miss my brothers - all of them, I miss my shop, I miss my HOME, I want my own things back, I want my house and I want my freaking Murano back. Yeah, really, I'm including a car in the list of things that I miss on a daily basis. It's been almost 2 years now and I am still morning the loss of my Murano. lol. How long is acceptable to miss a car? I don't care, I want it back.

I hate this shit of having kids spread out all over the country. Part of me wants to tell Adrian that I'm going home and we will just have to live separately until the things that need to be accomplished here before moving on have been done and then we'll get back on track. But that is too damned hard too. Everything is too damned hard.

There's my pitty session for the day. Sorry if I brought you down. I just don't know how long I can continue living without my A's close to me, without seeing their school performances, missing out on every damned thing. I try to be positive about it and I feel guilty a lot of times because I don't want to be too upset about it in front of Adrian, he has it much harder with the situation with his boys and I feel guilty if I'm getting too upset all the time when he had to hold it together for so long. But DAMN IT I am sad. I want my girls, all of them, with me. I feel good about where they are, I know they are taken care of and that's the only thing getting me through this. I feel like I'm reaching my limit and I'm not even half way into my limit. I just don't know that I can make it two fucking years.

It's just too much.