Friday, January 11, 2008
Carless = Lifeless
Or at least it sure as hell feels like it. I know, I can take the bus, I'm perfectly capable. I just haven't quite figured out the logistics of taking the kids with me to get groceries and carrying everything on the bus. I've been home since Sunday and although I haven't really needed to go anywhere, I'm irritated as hell that I can't. I'm over it, get me a FRICKIN' CAR! I'm done with this shit.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Family
Did you all see that post on Being a Mother? Did those of you that read that also read that my long lost brother FOUND me through this blog and posted a comment to that post?
Well, he did, and I haven't been able to focus on much since then. We've been in contact, writing emails and one awesome phone conversation (though my immediate family couldn't find it in thier hearts to shut UP while I was on the phone!). He's even flying me out to visit him, and the rest of his new-to-me family - sister-in-law and 2 nephews and 2 neices, and a couple of giant doggies too.
Let me tell you what this means to me, to have my brother back....
When I was 11 I found out I had two brothers that I had previously known nothing about. I remember it very well. I was down the street at a friends house and someone came to get me, to tell me to come home, your brothers had found their dad, MY Dad. Wha? Huh? Uh, ok.
I was thrilled. I would have loved to have been told I had a long lost sister too. Since I already had 3 older brothers and zero sisters that was the dream, give me a sister! But 2 more brothers it is and I'll take it!
So when I was 15 I got to meet Ben (I still think of you as Gan though, can't help that). Ben had driven from somewhere far and stayed with us for what I remember as a couple of weeks or so, but who knows how long it was... all I knew was that I had another brother, a great one, one that seemed to instantly care about me, even if we hadn't shared oatmeal in the mornings of our childhood, there was a connection that said he was my brother and there was love and caring there. Wow, right?
Not too long after I got to meet my other long lost brother Bill, my fathers- UGH- OUR FATHERS first son who was named after him. I remember feeling a connection with him as well and felt blessed to suddenly have 2 more big brothers. That's 5 big brothers and no sisters, a girl feels somewhat safe with 5 big brothers.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a touchy feely or mushy person, to hear "I love you" come from my mouth you have to have been around for a very long time. I'm the most emotional person that I know, I cry over everything! I wear my heart on my sleeve, people say. But I don't talk about it. I don't voice my feelings I just cry about them, major downfall I know. So though I was overjoyed with having these new people in my life I probably didn't show it. Maybe that contributed to the lack of contact for the last 14 years, who knows?
I was pregnant with my oldest child when I last heard from either Bill or Ben, so I was 17. I remember the conversation with Bill very very distinctly. I've thought about it over the years a lot. I'm unsure of the reason why he keeps his distance. I get the feeling from him that I'm not a very important part of his life. From Ben I get a different feeling. I don't know why that is, but I feel like Ben is more interested in me, in his neices even. I don't know why or how we all lost contact after being oblivious to each other for so very long in the first place but I'm sure it was the fault of all 3 of us.
I tried over the years to make contact again and failed. I googled my brothers, I searched every people search engine I could find. But I always came back empty handed. Which makes absolutely no sense, but perhaps I spelled their last name wrong or something of the like.
When Dad died, I searched more and my friends searched. I couldn't not tell them! I had to let them know! I thought I found their mothers number. I didn't have much to go on though. I left a message on an answering machine, I made sure to leave my phone number in case I somehow had the wrong number I requested that the person who would get the message please call me back if it was not for whom it was intended. I never heard back.
All along I had no idea that Ben was looking for me too. You'd think with a name like mine that a person would be able to find me, right? Wrong, I've never lived in one place long enough to be in a phone book (currently a dream of mine). So how in the heck would anyone find me when I move all the time?!
{Geeze this is getting long}
In the blog I wrote about being a mother, I spoke about family, about my brothers that don't make an effort to keep in touch. Primarily I was speaking of the brothers I grew up with, the ones who know me and know how I had to have been hurting when Dad died but didn't care enough to so much as check on me in the weeks following. I had never in my life felt so alone, so unimportant. Is there a bigger word for alone? It's not enough, it doesn't describe the lonliness that I went through, doesn't even come close. Abandoned? That's close. My oldest brother from my moms side, Steve, he called a few times I believe.
This is making me totally sad and I don't really remember where I was going with this blog.... Ok, I had to read it all over to figure out where I was going. lol
After driving cross country this summer, having had my 31st birthday in a hotel room with pizza for a present and finally moved in to a house and getting internet on, I checked my email for the first time in that house to find the comment Ben had left me. In fact I read it while the cable guy was still at my house doing the installation, I couldn't believe my eyes. I was just amazed. After all these years there he was, MY brother, commenting on MY blog. Wow. I instantly had tears in my eyes and for the next few weeks I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I couldn't sleep. I laid awake at night wondering about Ben and Bill, what their lives were like, what their families were like... everything.
And now I'm getting on a plane next week to see Ben, my daughters will meet an uncle they didn't know much about at all. I am extremely excited for this. Ben has already made it clear that I am important to him and that creating an extended family for his children is just as important to him as it is to me.
A few weeks ago Ben and I were exchanging emails and he said something to me that I hadn't thought of before. He said that we deserved to grow up together. It made me really think about things. I think I was so grateful to have him back that I didn't think about what I missed out on so much. But it's so true, we were children at the same time, yet we knew nothing of each other. We did deserve to grow up together and I'm very sad that we didn't get that opportunity. It is heartbreaking to think of really. It shouldn't have been the way it was, but there is no going back, only moving forward. So I'm trying, I'm extremely grateful for the chance to know my brothers again and I'll probably drive them insane with my crazy antics.
Holy hell this got long! Well there's my blog for the month, maybe I'll write again after my visit with Ben.
:)
Well, he did, and I haven't been able to focus on much since then. We've been in contact, writing emails and one awesome phone conversation (though my immediate family couldn't find it in thier hearts to shut UP while I was on the phone!). He's even flying me out to visit him, and the rest of his new-to-me family - sister-in-law and 2 nephews and 2 neices, and a couple of giant doggies too.
Let me tell you what this means to me, to have my brother back....
When I was 11 I found out I had two brothers that I had previously known nothing about. I remember it very well. I was down the street at a friends house and someone came to get me, to tell me to come home, your brothers had found their dad, MY Dad. Wha? Huh? Uh, ok.
I was thrilled. I would have loved to have been told I had a long lost sister too. Since I already had 3 older brothers and zero sisters that was the dream, give me a sister! But 2 more brothers it is and I'll take it!
So when I was 15 I got to meet Ben (I still think of you as Gan though, can't help that). Ben had driven from somewhere far and stayed with us for what I remember as a couple of weeks or so, but who knows how long it was... all I knew was that I had another brother, a great one, one that seemed to instantly care about me, even if we hadn't shared oatmeal in the mornings of our childhood, there was a connection that said he was my brother and there was love and caring there. Wow, right?
Not too long after I got to meet my other long lost brother Bill, my fathers- UGH- OUR FATHERS first son who was named after him. I remember feeling a connection with him as well and felt blessed to suddenly have 2 more big brothers. That's 5 big brothers and no sisters, a girl feels somewhat safe with 5 big brothers.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a touchy feely or mushy person, to hear "I love you" come from my mouth you have to have been around for a very long time. I'm the most emotional person that I know, I cry over everything! I wear my heart on my sleeve, people say. But I don't talk about it. I don't voice my feelings I just cry about them, major downfall I know. So though I was overjoyed with having these new people in my life I probably didn't show it. Maybe that contributed to the lack of contact for the last 14 years, who knows?
I was pregnant with my oldest child when I last heard from either Bill or Ben, so I was 17. I remember the conversation with Bill very very distinctly. I've thought about it over the years a lot. I'm unsure of the reason why he keeps his distance. I get the feeling from him that I'm not a very important part of his life. From Ben I get a different feeling. I don't know why that is, but I feel like Ben is more interested in me, in his neices even. I don't know why or how we all lost contact after being oblivious to each other for so very long in the first place but I'm sure it was the fault of all 3 of us.
I tried over the years to make contact again and failed. I googled my brothers, I searched every people search engine I could find. But I always came back empty handed. Which makes absolutely no sense, but perhaps I spelled their last name wrong or something of the like.
When Dad died, I searched more and my friends searched. I couldn't not tell them! I had to let them know! I thought I found their mothers number. I didn't have much to go on though. I left a message on an answering machine, I made sure to leave my phone number in case I somehow had the wrong number I requested that the person who would get the message please call me back if it was not for whom it was intended. I never heard back.
All along I had no idea that Ben was looking for me too. You'd think with a name like mine that a person would be able to find me, right? Wrong, I've never lived in one place long enough to be in a phone book (currently a dream of mine). So how in the heck would anyone find me when I move all the time?!
{Geeze this is getting long}
In the blog I wrote about being a mother, I spoke about family, about my brothers that don't make an effort to keep in touch. Primarily I was speaking of the brothers I grew up with, the ones who know me and know how I had to have been hurting when Dad died but didn't care enough to so much as check on me in the weeks following. I had never in my life felt so alone, so unimportant. Is there a bigger word for alone? It's not enough, it doesn't describe the lonliness that I went through, doesn't even come close. Abandoned? That's close. My oldest brother from my moms side, Steve, he called a few times I believe.
This is making me totally sad and I don't really remember where I was going with this blog.... Ok, I had to read it all over to figure out where I was going. lol
After driving cross country this summer, having had my 31st birthday in a hotel room with pizza for a present and finally moved in to a house and getting internet on, I checked my email for the first time in that house to find the comment Ben had left me. In fact I read it while the cable guy was still at my house doing the installation, I couldn't believe my eyes. I was just amazed. After all these years there he was, MY brother, commenting on MY blog. Wow. I instantly had tears in my eyes and for the next few weeks I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I couldn't sleep. I laid awake at night wondering about Ben and Bill, what their lives were like, what their families were like... everything.
And now I'm getting on a plane next week to see Ben, my daughters will meet an uncle they didn't know much about at all. I am extremely excited for this. Ben has already made it clear that I am important to him and that creating an extended family for his children is just as important to him as it is to me.
A few weeks ago Ben and I were exchanging emails and he said something to me that I hadn't thought of before. He said that we deserved to grow up together. It made me really think about things. I think I was so grateful to have him back that I didn't think about what I missed out on so much. But it's so true, we were children at the same time, yet we knew nothing of each other. We did deserve to grow up together and I'm very sad that we didn't get that opportunity. It is heartbreaking to think of really. It shouldn't have been the way it was, but there is no going back, only moving forward. So I'm trying, I'm extremely grateful for the chance to know my brothers again and I'll probably drive them insane with my crazy antics.
Holy hell this got long! Well there's my blog for the month, maybe I'll write again after my visit with Ben.
:)
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