NatchraLeigh Brain Fried

Everything is a little messy

2011-07-21T00:06:00.003-07:00

... or, is it just upside down?

I'm not sure what's going on, I feel like I'm in the eye of a storm -Wizard of Oz style. I've been questioning every thing in my life lately and I'm really able to see things with a bit more clarity than before. I'm asking myself things about me as a mother, a friend, a sister, a lover and so on. It's hard to honestly answer some of the questions I have for myself. That disturbs me. I want to find the way to be proud about my answers. I want to be proud of who I am as all of those roles.

There are things I'm proud of, sure. I think I give credit where it's due and look at things more objectively now. I used to have a real problem with that, I realize. It's unfair to hold a stranger to standards that I may not be willing to meet myself. Call it being selfish, or being naive... hell, call it what you want - the shit needs to change.

I've got issues, real issues that are hard as hell to deal with. I am *not* in a good place. I need help, but lack the family support - now I'm wondering - am I the crazy one? did I push them away? is it really possible that my mother could try to defend her lack of concern for her children with her own selfish bullshit? How do you forgive your mother for not being there when your own child was in the hospital, in surgery. She drove right by. She never even called. She didn't care because she was busy with her own issues. How does that even make sense? "I'm sorry but kids are NOT the number one priority" she said this to me!!! Days after Abbi was out of the hospital and only days before she'd go back, week after week for months and months. No one knew what that was like. I'm so thankful that she is doing good now - I'm so glad it's over for her, I hope it's over for good every day.

Anyhow - my point is this - is it only family that will bust down your door if they have to find out what they can do to help in a crisis?
Is it too much to expect from those that you love as family?
They have their own lives and can't be expected to do much besides the occasional virtual (((hug))) right?

I'm not speaking just for myself here - I've seen it happen alot and I feel like there's some sort of dis-connect that happens when the screen shuts off.

It makes me sad. I miss my friends that I consider my family, because everything is a little messy and my family is not one united.

and since I'm sure you'll see this Mom - I'm never going to be ready to hear your side of this until I hear a sincere apology. I think you just don't get how much that hurt and I don't want to speak to you until you do. Harsh? Sure, if you only see one side it may seem that way.

Brought to my attention

2008-03-04T09:37:00.003-07:00

It's been brought to my attention that I haven't been blogging as much and that it's been a bit negative lately. So here's a little bit of what's been going on and it really is mostly good stuff... :)

I've been busy! Between 2 homeschool groups, 2 meetup/mommy groups, trying to help plan a wedding and my own family, I'm busy!

It's good. Things are good. I'm still getting to know my brother and I'm extremely excited about that, like finding a piece of the puzzle that makes you feel a little closer to complete.

We've been doing good with school, we are laid back about it and very easy going but we get a lot of work done. Oriana's learning to read and getting better every single day. Ophelia is a reading fanatic. She reads about an hour a day on average, but some days she will read for 3-4 hours all together.

We do a lot of field trips, or trips in general that we turn into a lesson. Actually, we turn pretty much everything into a lesson. I LOVE homeschooling my girls. I can't wait for next year when I've got a better idea of what I want to accomplish for the year and the things that I want us to learn together and do as a family. I am planning potential field trips and road trips for educational purposes for next school year.

Adrian and I are doing good as well. We went camping last weekend after the girls and I had a 5 day stay at my good friend Jenns (in Tennessee) The trip to Tn. definately rocked! It's a long drive but the time spent is worth it:). We definately felt a lot more like ourselves after going camping. We are refreshed as persons and as a couple.

This week is packed full of homeschool group meetups and mommy meetups... everything is just grand. Money could be better, bills keep rolling in left and right and it's getting overwhelming... but really, when couldn't money be better, always a battle! That's really my only complaint though, so that's good!

Daughters

2008-02-07T21:23:00.000-07:00

I've got a few. I've always been mom for my entire adult life. There's been a lot of hard times, there's been a lot of good times. But for the last 14 years I've been pregnant, breastfeeding or chasing a toddler. I'm going through so many transitions right now I think my brain is shutting down.
~moving across country for the 3rd time in 3 years
~missing 2 of the most important things in my life, Alex and Abbi
~uprooting my kids, again
~getting accustomed to a new area
~trying to make new friends
~finding my brothers
~coming to terms with the fact that there will be no more babies, no more diapers, no more baby talk, no more toddlers, bottles, pacifiers, onesies, fat baby toes, nursing, rocking and so much more involved with babies.

I'm sad about all of this. Yeah, I love my life, but there is a few key things that are missing and I'm trying my best to have a positive outlook, but sometimes it just sucks, you know?

I miss my kids, I miss Amy, I miss my Dad, I miss my brothers - all of them, I miss my shop, I miss my HOME, I want my own things back, I want my house and I want my freaking Murano back. Yeah, really, I'm including a car in the list of things that I miss on a daily basis. It's been almost 2 years now and I am still morning the loss of my Murano. lol. How long is acceptable to miss a car? I don't care, I want it back.

I hate this shit of having kids spread out all over the country. Part of me wants to tell Adrian that I'm going home and we will just have to live separately until the things that need to be accomplished here before moving on have been done and then we'll get back on track. But that is too damned hard too. Everything is too damned hard.

There's my pitty session for the day. Sorry if I brought you down. I just don't know how long I can continue living without my A's close to me, without seeing their school performances, missing out on every damned thing. I try to be positive about it and I feel guilty a lot of times because I don't want to be too upset about it in front of Adrian, he has it much harder with the situation with his boys and I feel guilty if I'm getting too upset all the time when he had to hold it together for so long. But DAMN IT I am sad. I want my girls, all of them, with me. I feel good about where they are, I know they are taken care of and that's the only thing getting me through this. I feel like I'm reaching my limit and I'm not even half way into my limit. I just don't know that I can make it two fucking years.

It's just too much.

Haven't been blogging

2008-02-06T06:00:00.000-07:00

I know, I haven't been around much. I was traveling so much, I'm finally getting back into my routine. I got a car, so that explains alot of my disappearance. I'm getting out to a lot of homeschool related events and getting more and more involved in groups that are giving the kids and I both a lot of socialization. It's great. I really do love my life. Even if I'm not where I want to be and I don't have the things that I ultimately want. I'm still really enjoying my life and I'm so grateful to my husband for taking care of us all so well that I am able to stay home and have this life. I'm happy.
Be back sometime soon!

Carless = Lifeless

2008-01-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

Or at least it sure as hell feels like it. I know, I can take the bus, I'm perfectly capable. I just haven't quite figured out the logistics of taking the kids with me to get groceries and carrying everything on the bus. I've been home since Sunday and although I haven't really needed to go anywhere, I'm irritated as hell that I can't. I'm over it, get me a FRICKIN' CAR! I'm done with this shit.

Family

2008-01-10T05:35:00.000-07:00

Did you all see that post on Being a Mother? Did those of you that read that also read that my long lost brother FOUND me through this blog and posted a comment to that post?

Well, he did, and I haven't been able to focus on much since then. We've been in contact, writing emails and one awesome phone conversation (though my immediate family couldn't find it in thier hearts to shut UP while I was on the phone!). He's even flying me out to visit him, and the rest of his new-to-me family - sister-in-law and 2 nephews and 2 neices, and a couple of giant doggies too.

Let me tell you what this means to me, to have my brother back....

When I was 11 I found out I had two brothers that I had previously known nothing about. I remember it very well. I was down the street at a friends house and someone came to get me, to tell me to come home, your brothers had found their dad, MY Dad. Wha? Huh? Uh, ok.
I was thrilled. I would have loved to have been told I had a long lost sister too. Since I already had 3 older brothers and zero sisters that was the dream, give me a sister! But 2 more brothers it is and I'll take it!

So when I was 15 I got to meet Ben (I still think of you as Gan though, can't help that). Ben had driven from somewhere far and stayed with us for what I remember as a couple of weeks or so, but who knows how long it was... all I knew was that I had another brother, a great one, one that seemed to instantly care about me, even if we hadn't shared oatmeal in the mornings of our childhood, there was a connection that said he was my brother and there was love and caring there. Wow, right?

Not too long after I got to meet my other long lost brother Bill, my fathers- UGH- OUR FATHERS first son who was named after him. I remember feeling a connection with him as well and felt blessed to suddenly have 2 more big brothers. That's 5 big brothers and no sisters, a girl feels somewhat safe with 5 big brothers.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a touchy feely or mushy person, to hear "I love you" come from my mouth you have to have been around for a very long time. I'm the most emotional person that I know, I cry over everything! I wear my heart on my sleeve, people say. But I don't talk about it. I don't voice my feelings I just cry about them, major downfall I know. So though I was overjoyed with having these new people in my life I probably didn't show it. Maybe that contributed to the lack of contact for the last 14 years, who knows?

I was pregnant with my oldest child when I last heard from either Bill or Ben, so I was 17. I remember the conversation with Bill very very distinctly. I've thought about it over the years a lot. I'm unsure of the reason why he keeps his distance. I get the feeling from him that I'm not a very important part of his life. From Ben I get a different feeling. I don't know why that is, but I feel like Ben is more interested in me, in his neices even. I don't know why or how we all lost contact after being oblivious to each other for so very long in the first place but I'm sure it was the fault of all 3 of us.

I tried over the years to make contact again and failed. I googled my brothers, I searched every people search engine I could find. But I always came back empty handed. Which makes absolutely no sense, but perhaps I spelled their last name wrong or something of the like.

When Dad died, I searched more and my friends searched. I couldn't not tell them! I had to let them know! I thought I found their mothers number. I didn't have much to go on though. I left a message on an answering machine, I made sure to leave my phone number in case I somehow had the wrong number I requested that the person who would get the message please call me back if it was not for whom it was intended. I never heard back.

All along I had no idea that Ben was looking for me too. You'd think with a name like mine that a person would be able to find me, right? Wrong, I've never lived in one place long enough to be in a phone book (currently a dream of mine). So how in the heck would anyone find me when I move all the time?!

{Geeze this is getting long}

In the blog I wrote about being a mother, I spoke about family, about my brothers that don't make an effort to keep in touch. Primarily I was speaking of the brothers I grew up with, the ones who know me and know how I had to have been hurting when Dad died but didn't care enough to so much as check on me in the weeks following. I had never in my life felt so alone, so unimportant. Is there a bigger word for alone? It's not enough, it doesn't describe the lonliness that I went through, doesn't even come close. Abandoned? That's close. My oldest brother from my moms side, Steve, he called a few times I believe.

This is making me totally sad and I don't really remember where I was going with this blog.... Ok, I had to read it all over to figure out where I was going. lol

After driving cross country this summer, having had my 31st birthday in a hotel room with pizza for a present and finally moved in to a house and getting internet on, I checked my email for the first time in that house to find the comment Ben had left me. In fact I read it while the cable guy was still at my house doing the installation, I couldn't believe my eyes. I was just amazed. After all these years there he was, MY brother, commenting on MY blog. Wow. I instantly had tears in my eyes and for the next few weeks I couldn't concentrate on anything else. I couldn't sleep. I laid awake at night wondering about Ben and Bill, what their lives were like, what their families were like... everything.

And now I'm getting on a plane next week to see Ben, my daughters will meet an uncle they didn't know much about at all. I am extremely excited for this. Ben has already made it clear that I am important to him and that creating an extended family for his children is just as important to him as it is to me.

A few weeks ago Ben and I were exchanging emails and he said something to me that I hadn't thought of before. He said that we deserved to grow up together. It made me really think about things. I think I was so grateful to have him back that I didn't think about what I missed out on so much. But it's so true, we were children at the same time, yet we knew nothing of each other. We did deserve to grow up together and I'm very sad that we didn't get that opportunity. It is heartbreaking to think of really. It shouldn't have been the way it was, but there is no going back, only moving forward. So I'm trying, I'm extremely grateful for the chance to know my brothers again and I'll probably drive them insane with my crazy antics.

Holy hell this got long! Well there's my blog for the month, maybe I'll write again after my visit with Ben.

:)

What's REALLY on my mind that I don't ever write about.

2007-12-05T06:20:00.000-07:00

You don't blog as much anymore.

Really? You mean people actually look at my blog? Someone noticed that I haven't been writing much at all? lol

Ok, I hear you. I'll try. ok?

So what do you write about when you have about 89 things on your mind?

Here's what I think about all day every day - keep in mind I have VERY VERY little social/adult interaction. Remembering that is crucial in getting through the rest of this post.

Homeschooling -
I wonder if I'm really cut out for it all. I wonder if I'm really crazy. I wonder if people wonder if I'm really cut out for it all. Then I start thinking of allllll of the reasons why I'm doing this and I remember that this is really what I've always wanted to do. I tell myself that this is the first year and that I should just take it easy, make sure I'm working the kids but not overworking them either... I'd hate for ANY of us to get burned out on this anytime soon.
I'm constantly asking myself questions like, am I documenting enough, am I doing enough projects... I need to get involved with more groups, I need the kids to have friends & connections - but I don't have a car and I haven't figured out the busses... and that sends me off onto the next most thought about subject -

Should I buy a car?
When I think about all of the polution we are not contributing too, all of the money we are not spending on so many different things that involve owning a car, about the fact that we are next door to the library and that there is a pool out my front door - it makes me feel proud that we haven't caved and bought a car. It makes me feel good about those things.
But I feel bad when I'm sitting home and NEED to get to the grocery store but I can't walk that far due to the pain from my fibroids. This is what happened Monday. Then there is the fact that I finally found a Homeschool group that I joined and I want to get involved, really involved, but it means a lot more planning than just planning on going and getting up that day and jumping in the car - I have to look at the bus route and figure out if I can get to that place on time and how much will the three of us have to walk and can we manage it and will I be embarrassed when I get there and is it all worth it or am I doing the right thing by not falling back into the American life that I don't want to fall victim to.
What do I mean by the American life - I mean people that don't bother to be concerned about anything but convenience. Period. They don't think for themselves. If Mc.D's says that big ass salad is good for you, and look it's right here and easy next to the chicken nuggets that you are getting your children (adding the chocolate milk and apple slices designed to make you feel better about buying this completey mindless and un-nutricious meal for your child) so you might as well just go ahead and get it. So you end up buying it and then later you may or may not realize that you could've eaten a big mac meal for the same amount of calories, fat and sodium. Yum. Don't you feel good about that salad?
See - this is why I don't write about this stuff, but it swims around in my head constantly.
I'm going to put this section to an end because I simply could just go forever, but you get what I'm saying right? I don't want to buy a car simply because it's easier and it's the "normal" thing to do.

So anyway, what else fills my mind... I hate to admit this but here it is....
I want another baby... yes, you read that right. I want to birth a baby at home, I feel like somehow I was robbed of an experience that every mother deserves.
But alas... I'm fixed, tubes tied, done. Soon the dr.'s will want to take my uterus because of the fibroids and I can say bye-bye to any kind of hope that I will once again birth and nurse a baby.

What else do I think about?
NOT falling victim to the consumerism that is Christmas. Yes, I LOVE Christmas, I love the magic of it and the season.... love it all. What I don't love? The over-spending, the over-eating (ok, I really love that part, but I hate what it does to my body), the mindless shopping,the over-packaging shit that comes with every toy, the selfishness that is invoked by seeing all of these things advertised as the years hottest presents. I hate that I constantly want to buy buy buy. I want real presents that don't hurt anyone or anything... it'd be nice if I could buy all handmade and eco-friendly AND fair trade gifts. I don't want to feel pressured into buying my little girls those evil fucking Bratz dolls that dress scantly clad and wear make-up that makes them look like they were just working the corner downtown - our kids look up to these things, they want to BE LIKE THEM.

See - do you see why I'm so fucked up? These are just a few things that go through my head every single fucking day. Yeah, and I love the F word and I feel bad about it but then I don't feel bad about it because I really don't believe that I'm going to spend eternity in hell for using the word fuck.

So there it is folks... a freaking book about what I think about every day... and I didn't even get to the part about eating healthy vs. losing weight. Yes, in my day to day those two things go head to head... I'll tell you why in some later rant, if I don't get shut down after this one. ;)

Living without a car

2007-11-07T09:50:00.000-07:00

It's almost unacceptable in our society really. WHAT? You don't have a CAR? Think about that, how often do you hear of a suburban family that doesn't have a car? (exculding those large cities where pretty much no one has a car) It's been a few weeks now that I have been car-less and I find myself struggling with the idea of getting a car daily.

Thing is, we don't have a car payment right now, we don't have to carry insurance, and we don't pay for gas. At least once a week my friend Brenda comes and takes me out of the house. And she watches the kids on the weekends sometimes so that Adrian and I can get out. She'll let me borrow her car if I need it, or even just want it.
So really, NOT having a car is saving us upwards of $7-800 a MONTH. That is a LOT of freakin' money!

On top of the money you save directly and obviously from not owning a car, comes the in-direct and certainly not obvious savings that come forth. When you own a car, you think nothing of running out to the store when you are out of milk, right? But what happens then is that you end up spending $50 at the grocery store on all of the things that you didn't really need, weren't really sure if you needed, and of course the last minute impulse buys. Then you have the random stops, like yard sales and stores that you suddenly think "I need something from there!". The gas you use and the money you spend in those unexpected stops adds up quick! I can't believe how long I've had the same amount of money in my account.

Weekend before last I rented a car for the weekend, Fri. - Tues. - it ended up costing us around $200. It was really nice to have it, and be able to get things done that I'd like to do. I may rent a car this weekend as well. Though probably not for as many days, just Fri.-Mon. would be perfect.

There is a bus stop very close to my home, but I haven't yet ventured that far. If I knew this area better, I'd be on that bus every day, going and doing things to keep me busy. But again, that's spending more money that I really don't need to spend.

This all reminds me of living with my Dad back in Eureka, we hardly ever had a car. It wasn't devastating though. I remember taking the bus everywhere I needed to go, Dad and I frequented the bus lines and knew the drivers by name and such. We had no problem with it. When we didn't use the bus, we walked. We walked a lot in those days and guess what? I was a lot less fat as well! Hmm, wonder why?

So, these are the kinds of things that go through my head all of the time right now, since for the most part I'm not leaving my home much. I'm a little obsessive about it I think. Being stuck at home is driving me a little bonkers and I am thinking about calling a cab to go to the shopping center, walk around and buy some things that I need from the grocery store before getting a cab back home.

In closing, I'd like to say that I'm proud of myself, for going this long without any means of transportation. Also, more importantly, I'm not contributing to nearly as much pollution!!! :-D

Been a while, huh?

2007-10-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

Yes it has. Most of you that would still be interested in checking my blog will know that we've moved to Florida. Which is all sorts of fun. Or so one might think. I, personally, would rather be back home. Someone asked, where's home? And I couldn't think of anything to say as far as an actual place, but it is most definately where my kids are, and where my church is.

I'm all sorts of homesick, and really tired of living on bare minimums. I hate not having my own things, we left everything in Boise. It's frustrating as hell to look around my house, and see nothing of my own, my own style, my own things with my own feel. Beyond that, there is hardly any kind of furniture in here, I have a futon chair from my new friend that I made here. She is wonderful and giving and has donated a few pieces of furniture after only knowing her a day. She is probably the only thing keeping me from going completely insane. The A's are with their dad and I'm missing them something terrible. I've never been away from them like this. It's very rough right now, but we're getting there.

I'm trying to make plans to go back to Idaho and sell some of my things that are in my storage unit there. It's obvious it's just going to cost too much to move them and won't be worth the wear I'd put on them from moving it all across country twice. As I don't intend to be in this place for longer than my maximum sentence of two years.

I'm also wanting to make plans to go on my DAD trip that I've talked about before. It needs to be done, it's been nearly two years and I'm still really having a hard time and I really think that it would help me in my mourning, to move on some... Hopefully that will be in the works within the next year.

My car was repossessed last week as well. Isn't that just fun. Our credit sucks so bad at this point that I'm not even concerned about getting it back now, it'd be nice to not have a car payment and be able to enjoy the money that my husband works so hard for. Of course I'll have to figure out something for a car, but we are going to suffer through it until we have saved enough for a cheap car that will get us by for now until we rebuild our credit some more. Pray that I can find something reasonable that will fit my entire brady bunch family. :P

What else is new, hmmm? I got two kitties, they are siamese sisters and they are awesome, beautiful and very loving kitties. They sleep on my bed all day, and they love to be lap kitties.

And I may not be doing real good right now, but I'm alive, I'm great - and getting better every day.

BEN!!!!!

2007-09-28T16:22:00.000-07:00

You left no contact info!

Please email me at leighcandle02@msn.com ASAP!

I'm speechless, I can't say how much this means to me.

Being a Mother

2007-06-27T04:31:00.000-07:00

I have learned a lot. My own mother taught me a lot of valuable lessons of what I like to call "what-not-to-do's". It seems that I meet a lot of women who have horrible relationships with their own mothers. My soon to be Mother In Law reminds me every once in a while that I "only have one TRUE mother". I wish I could feel close to her. I wish I could feel that I make her proud. I wish that just once, she'd apologize with sincerity. I get apologies from time to time from her. She likes to do it like this - "I'm sorry you were hurt by that". She doesn't seem to understand how hurtful just that sentence is. You're sorry, but you're not sorry for what you did that hurt me, just that I happened to be hurt by it? What kind of an apology is that? I'll tell you what kind, it's the "FINE, I'll apologize, but only because you want it and NOT because I'm admitting that I did anything wrong!" kind. That's the worst kind. That's the kind that makes me think that you must not be very sorry or very sincere. An insincere apology is not an apology. It's a way out for you. It's a way for you to say that you tried.

For those of you that know me very well, you know that my relationship with my father was much more easy than that with my mother. My father tried his best, he told me that he was proud of me, that he was impressed by me and he always made me feel assured that I was always making the right choices. He stood beside me, no matter what I did. Do you know how lonely in this world you can feel when that one supportive parent suddenly dies? Your brothers don't make any effort to know you, much less keep in contact with you, your aunts and uncles barely know you and seem to not care much wether you live and breathe or not. Your mother only wants to be a woman, not a mother, not supportive. My brother Steve is my only family. He's all that's left, and all that cares. I feel bad for him because I see something in his eyes when I visit with him. I'm not sure if it's pain. But I do think that it is some sort of "big brother" responsibility. He knows I'm alone in this world and seems to want to make sure that HE is not one of the many blood-related relatives who just don't give a fuck about me and my life. I love him for that, but hate that he feels responsible. I could be way off base about him feeling responsibility, but there is something in his eyes, something that makes me feel like he wishes he could take care of me. I don't need taking care of, but rather support. I lost my lone chearleader in this world, and what I miss the most sometimes is having someone who was genuinly proud of me.

I don't mean for this to be one of those sad posts... I don't know what I mean for it to be as it is ass-early in the morning. It's just getting light outside and my world is full of questions right now. So I'm writing, that's what happens when I'm feeling all chaotic inside. Whoever reads this just gets to try to sort through the chaos.Good luck.

Just because they sing country?

2007-06-15T16:14:00.001-07:00

Makes them a target? Makes it so that they can be judged harshly, their music taken off of the air completely? They are not recognized in the country music circle in the least now, all because of their opinions? Yet, Pink has a song that makes pretty much the same statement.... I doubt her music will be removed from the air, or that she will not be recognized at any of the various award ceremonies...

I'm proud to be a Dixie Chicks fan, I'm proud that they have stood up for themselves, I'm proud to be me, and able to stand up for what I believe in as well. I will never understand why people have turned their backs on such an amazingly talented group of women WHO HAPPEN TO SPEAK THEIR MIND! I thought this was America - free speach and all that... hmmm.

Yes, it's been a couple of years and I'm still irritated about it. Probably because I've not had the guts before now to speak up and say I'M with YOU Chicks! Because I fear confrontation, because I hate debates for the fear that I will be uninformed, or I will miss something that someone else didn't... and will be proven wrong. Well... go ahead and try to prove me wrong. I don't give a flying shit. HA! I believe what I believe, and I will always stand behind these women.

The lyrics of this song are so strong and so empowering! I love it!
If you haven't watched this before, watch it now, as a favor to me... just because.

I'm also proud to stand behind this woman and her words, this video made me cry!

Ah the sweet sweet internet

2007-06-15T05:49:00.000-07:00

I just spoke with my brother, for the first time I actually remembered to call him ON his birthday. He says "on your blog, it says something about health problems, are you ok?". Interesting, I think, that I didn't know that he visited my blog or even was that internet savvy. My apologies Steve. So I just think that it is a little funny that he keeps up with it.

So I suppose I should post, since I will be gone on a very girly trip for two weeks starting this weekend. I am pretty sure that I will not be able to update very often for the summer. They tend to be very busy with camping and road trips. Thank God that I have a man that appreciates that about me and supports me to take off for a week or two while leaving him behind to keep working. I know, I'm extremely spoiled!
I mentioned before health problems... so I'll give you a little update on that so that those of you that are worried (but not enough to call, I won't mention any naSTEVEmes) could put your minds to rest. :)

We found fibroids on my uterus. In short they are tumors that just keep growing and growing. They are not cancerous and they are not shown to have a very high success rate at either treating them nor removing them surgically. I'm seeing a Licensed Naturopathic Physician for treatment. We'll see if after 6 months - 1 year of treatment with supplements, lifestyle changes and other treatment if they stay the same or shrink in size. If they don't shrink and my symptoms get worse or even stay the same then we will talk about surgery to remove my uterus. NOT a nice option. I would opt for the procedure that lets me at least keep my ovaries in place as to avoid the need for hormone therapy through menopause.

I still have a couple of tests, one is to determine how my body processes and converts hormones. That will tell us exactly what level of progesterone that I will need to take, since fibroids are the result of too much estrogen in your system. If we can balance it out, it's possible that they will either stop growing, or even better, they could even shrink. It doesn't look extremely promising that I won't have to have my uterus ripped out... but it's worth a shot! Ok, everyone updated enough now? The only thing that I skipped over was the symptoms that fibroids cause, because it's rather "girly" and I don't think that everyone would appreciate hearing about my 15 day periods (that have caused me to be aneimic and other issues result from bleeding like that). So I'll skip that part, well at least most of it.

In other news:
My trip - I'm going to Portland, Roseburg, Medford & Tacoma. I'll be visiting friends and the very little family that I have left along the way while also doing parties for my business. I have 4 parties planned and I can't WAIT to see everyone!

I'll be gone for 2 full weeks and the only thing that upsets me about that is that I won't get to be camping with Adrian during that time. :) I love that time with him.

After I get back, I'll have a week to prepare for a trip to Tennessee, to be with my dear friend Jenn, who's having a homebirth (I'm so proud of you!) only a couple of short weeks after making an out of state move! Crazy, but awesome! She is one of the strongest women that I know and I'm proud to be her friend, and to be there to help her during such an important event!

After Tennessee, I should be home for a while, focusing on business and getting a LOT of time in with Adrian while the kiddo's are off with other family for the summer. We're planning our wedding and this summer we'll be looking for the perfect spot in the mountains to commit to each other.

What else, OH kitties! Did I already tell you all about the kitties? They are so cute! They are 3 weeks old (or is it 4? hmm) and they are just starting to play with each other. They are amazing, so much fun to watch their little uncoordinated bodies attempting to go in one direction, but their big heads just pulling them down. lol. It's quite a sight.

I think this has turned out long enough now... on to my breakfast and vitamins. Hope everyone has a great day! :)

One for the Records

2007-05-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, was one for the records....

I'm having some medical "issues", I'll update when I'm ready on that, and when I know everything. But for right now we start off yesterday by going down into town for blood tests, I get about 2 hours to work with between the time I drop off Oriana and head to town to the time I have to be back to pick her up. It is NOT much time! lol
So, here's how it went down.

7am - up and getting dressed
8am - yelling at kids to PLEASE hurry UP!
8:30am - drive down to town
9am - get lost finding the lab
9:30am - find lab, get tests done - the only part of the day that went smoothly!
10am - arrive at the tire place that Adrian was just at, getting it set up for me to just pull in and get the new tires put on.
10:45am - leave the tire place, go to the freeway to head to Costco for gas
11am - pulled over on the side of the freeway onramp, gas is GONE, car is NOT happy. I call the school to tell them no one will be there to pick up my daughter! :(
11:15 - still can't find my roadside service information, can't get in touch with Adrian, can't get in touch with ANYONE. Called the place where I bought my car and they have my cars extended warranty listed under some OTHER guys name! Officer arrives on the scene, she was about 3 1/2 feet tall. I found it amusing, I know, I shouldn't have, but I did. She puts a gallon of gas in my tank after insisting that I cancell the tow truck from my roadside assistance. It doesn't work. My car is sitting on too much of an incline and it's not going to start on just one gallon. She leaves. I call the tow truck again and Becca.
11:30 The kids school calls me to tell me that one of the teachers wives with a daughter in Oriana's preschool class would be glad to take her home until I can get there. The alternative is to have her sit in the office. I remembered the woman from meeting her before at school and decided to let her take her. Becca gets there with another gallon (the largest size of a gas can that they sold at the GAS STATION!) It still doesn't work.
11:45 the car battery dies from trying to start it. We girls jump it.
12:15 the tow truck arrives and they pull my car up onto the back of the tow truck until it's level, and put more gas in.
12:30 Car battery dies again - tow truck driver jumps it again
12:45 5 gallons of gas later, the car starts.
1:00 Becca and I are enjoying a margarita with lunch, finally some relief.
2:00-3:00 I go back to the tire store for the incredible shaking my steering wheel keeps doing since getting the tires that morning.
4:pm I'm finally on the road again and I have still not gotten everything done, but I was still on my way home. I had to have Ophelia ride the bus home with Becca's kids because I couldn't get her in time either.
4:30pm I start driving home and get pulled over. I get a speeding ticket, because I must have somewhere on my record "do not EVER let this woman off with a warning" since I've not ever gotten out of a ticket. My spedometer was wrong because of the tires, they are bigger than what we had so it through it all off....
5pm I finally get Oriana
5:15 I'm at home, changing my clothes and getting ready to go out again to get Ophelia, when I leave I back into a boulder in the driveway. Yay. I had only hit it with the tow hitch, so it's ok but man I was pissed.
7:30pm I'm finally home to do the massive loads of dishes, laundry and to make dinner for everyone. Yippee. No wonder I couldn't sleep!
ARGH!

NatchraLeigh SickLeigh

2007-05-18T08:27:00.000-07:00

Definately sick. Definately tired and definately stuffy. I'm sick, and I am tired of being sick already. It's been a while since I had a cold like this, I think probably since my Dad passed and I was sick for months afterward... I feel like death on a stick.

Let's talk about something a little more positive, shall we?

Mothers Day

This year we went camping for Mothers Day, as we usually do. This time we drove to Roseburg overnight on Friday. We had planned on getting there Saturday early morning, napping for a few hours, then visiting a couple of friends before heading out to our camping spot. But my Father in Law had a different idea. It didn't matter that neither Adrian or I had slept since Thursday night, he wanted to head out NOW. So, no rest, no friends, no nothing but hooking/loading up and getting out of town! We were exhausted, but to argue with this man is like a death wish.

Friday afternoon we arrive at the campground with our in laws and the new (very old, but new to us) camp trailer that they gave to us for a very low price. We set up and Adrian and I thought we would nap, but again it wasn't in the cards and we didn't end up getting to sleep until about 9 or 10pm that night. Upon our arrival it was very chilly, overcast and slightly windy. It was cold that night but we had a great fire to keep us warm and a nice little heater inside of the trailer. I normally am a tent camping girl, I wouldn't buy a trailer to camp in because "that's just not REAL camping" but alas.... I'm a trailer camper now. Mainly because I can leave it packed, packing for camping is the worst part of the whole deal. It's the part that makes me dread it even though I LOVE LOVE LOVE to go camping. So now, I just leave the trailer packed, throw some clothes together and fresh foods (because canned goods and kitchen supplies are now stored in the trailer!) and I just hook up and go! I'm SO excited about how easy it all just became.

Oh... back on track to Mothers Day. On Mothers Day we awoke and I had to remind Adrian that it was MY DAY and so he needed to wake up with the kids and get a fire giong to keeep them warm. But at that point he jumped out of bed and went to work with the kids. Oriana crawled into bed with me and we laid there for a few minutes until the realization that our bladders were full and we had to get up and head to the restrooms. By that time, I'm up, no sleeping in at all. lol

So, we had fried potatoes & eggs for breakfast, YUM. I didn't have to cook, YAY again! I of course started my breakfast with roasted marshmallows. I hate to think of what is in those things, but I just can't see camping without them. After breakfast I tried fishing, gave up quickly and back to the camp fire for me. We ended up fishing for a bit and then having burgers for lunch. After lunch Adrians mom and I played a couple of games of cribbage, I think we ended in a tie. Then Adrian, the girls, his mom and I headed off on a little hike to find another fishing hole. We found a few good spots, and on the side of a curb on the paved bridge over the river we found a bat. A bat! It was sleeping upside down just stuck to the curb. It was the strangest thing, not a typical resting spot for a bat I didn't think!

When we got back to camp, or sometime during the day, I'm really not sure about the order of events at this point - lol, but I took a long nap in the trailer. I laid there and read in a magazine for a while first and drifted off for what seemed like 2 or 3 hourse... but I don't know how long it was. It felt great though!

That night all of the girls slept in the tent and Adrian and I sat at the table in the trailer and played cribbage for a while... well, until I was tired of losing anyway.

We drove back Monday, stopped in Burns for a late lunch break with a visit to the park to let everyone stretch their legs. It was such a cool old-school park that I can't believe I didn't take any pictures, we all had a lot of fun there. The play structures were unlike any I've seen before.

All in all - it was my best Mothers Day yet. I hope yours was equally wonderfull.

Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays!

2007-04-30T09:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, I do.... :o)
I feel great, as I usually do on Mondays. My Mondays are easy-going and slow-moving. I love it. The house is quiet and I feel at ease, not under pressure.

Today I have bills to pay, weekly chore/grocery plan to get started on, planting and laundry to do. I think I'll even fit a late morning nap in there, given my weekend, I'm thoroughly exhausted!

This weekend was crazy, I flew to Seattle to go to a training class on Saturday. It was very last minute, as it usually is with me :). I got a phenomenal deal on my flight and car rental thanks to Becca looking out for me. I flirted a little with the guy at the car rental booth and got a free upgrade to a car with navigation, an absolute God send! That was awesome! I drove an hour to everywhere that I went. lol. So that navigation came in SOOOOOO handy! I got back yesterday and I am still sooo tired.

Adrian took the girls camping for the weekend, they all had a blast and they picked me up at the airport filthy and smelling like campfire, so I know they had a great time. They camped where they could fish and play all day, the weather was fabulous this weekend! I wish that I could have gone with them but I am so grateful that I have someone so supportive that he would do that for me! I needed a get-away anyhow!

I'm planning out the summer and it's starting to look pretty full already. I can't wait! I have a couple of trips lined up, and it's so much fun to plan. I'm going to see so many friends that I haven't seen forever!

Well, I'm ready for that nap I mentioned. Have a great day everyone! :)

Chuggin' Along

2007-04-25T05:29:00.000-07:00

I know, it's Wednesday, not Monday. But it sort of feels like a Monday. I haven't been well lately, fighting depression off as hard as I can, but it's been a rough couple of weeks!

I've got a lot going on and I get overwhelmed so easily. But most of it is happy and exciting stuff! I'm starting a new at home biz. that's totally amazing!!! I am planning my wedding! YAY! I'm so excited about that... it's so much fun!

I am a nerd, I started a blog I just can't seem to find any interesting words to finish... hmm... maybe I'll add to it later. For now though, it is just a tiny baby blog. :)

Ranting, Ranting and More Ranting!

2007-04-18T07:23:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with me this week? My stomach has been "icky" all week, I've been incredibly bitchy (Poor kids & Adrian). I know a few things for sure, I've been eating crap-food and that's what's going on with my tummy (duh) except that even the next day I just feel like crap. But the bitchi-ness... I don't know. There is a lot of turmoil going on in my head and I guess it's just eating me up in such a way that I'm lashing out at everyone with evil-bitch attitude. I don't mean to, I really don't.

There's the friend issue - repairing a few relationships and at the same time letting go to a few very negative and hurtful relationships... that's not easy stuff you know!

Then there's the "quirks" about my house that I'm extremely frustrated with. Our water decides a few times a day to disappear and that means I have to hike up the little road behind me to the well, to restart the pump. Which is ok, sometimes, but when you have conditioner in your hair and shave gel drying to your legs and other unmentionables when the water goes out and you have to take that hike... NOT cool at all. It goes out every time I use the washing machine. Which means that I'm just not doing laundry like I should be because it irritates me so. Then there's the power bill that I got on my door Monday, letting me know that I need to reimburse them for what they paid for my portion. Well, when I moved in, they told me that the power was included in my rent. So this all makes me wonder "WHAT'S NEXT?". There's other little things too... but I will continue this rant another time.

Then there's the house that is "possibly" coming up for rent right next to a girlfriends house which is in the area closer to Boise that I wanted to be at in the first place. It's on the same driveway - she is a single mom and Adrian is gone a lot so having each other out here in the sticks would be nice. It'd be nice to make big dinners a couple of nights a week and share meals, trade off the kids and do a garden together. But who the hell wants to move twice in two months? And I like the little tiny town I live so close to that I could walk to. But but but but but!!!!

Then there is also the garden, which I have seeds, dirt, compost and starts for. But I am certainly not going to start that garden just to have to move and leave it.

On that same note, who wants to bother getting unpacked when they don't know if they will be moving out in a few weeks anyway??? So I haven't bothered making this feel like home and I think that's a lot of my turmoil in my head, just not feeling at home or really settled.

We won't know about that other house for 10 days or so, the guy is on vacation and is going to decide if he'll rent it out or keep living in it by the time he gets back. So I have to just sit, restlessly, sit still and keep up the everyday.

This turned into a book! I'll stop for the day and hopefully now that I've totally ranted I will feel good enough to clean up and do some laundry. I have SO many chores and shit to do it's just rediculous.

Oh, one more thing. My cat is swelling. She brought home a big boy kitty when we first moved in and now she is swelling, she's probably twice her normal body weight now. lol. Yes, I realize I should have had her fixed, and she will be after she has these babies. :)

Hello again Stranger

2007-04-16T07:24:00.000-07:00

Nice to see you stopping by to see that I'm still alive and blogging :)

It's a Monday, and I had that blogging urge. Last week we finally figured out the internet thing and I'm back to having DSL - Thank the Lord for that one! Things have been crazy but we are trying to force things to slow down, just in time for the good weather to start and the itching for camping/hiking/fishing - and whatever else will keep up outside and away from the house all weekend - every weekend! Not that we plan to stay away from the house, we just end up that way from Spring through Fall. I love it and wouldn't have it any other way. I can not imagine spending my life indoors when the weather outside and the mountain air is sooo nice. I'm very fortunate that Adrian hasn't sent me looking for work yet. I don't know how we would accomplish anything if I were working, seems like we always have so much to do.

Updates, hmmm... I don't know what to update on. We are getting settled into the house, we are meeting people up here and we are really enjoying it here. I love it, more than I knew I would.
Easter was last week and the girls had a lot of fun, though with being kind of un-settled with things it was hard to do all of the things we normally do for Easter, like an egg hunt, somehow we missed that completely!
Adrian got me a basket with gourmet chocolates of a very wide variety, a huge pink bunny and a sappy card that made me bawl as soon as I saw the first line! lol

We have been working a little at a time in planning the wedding and so far the wedding party is the hardest thing to decide on... shouldn't that be the easiest? lol

I'm trying to sell the Drive-Thru Espresso Trailer - since our taxes turned out to be more than devastating! Horrible! Stupid ass TAXES!

I'm also trying to learn how to garden, which can be a job all in itself... I'm learning though.

I guess you could say I'm learning to plan my day/week better too - being up here kinda forces you to do that! I have to plan out which days I'm going to town and exactly what I have to do while in town - otherwise everything gets all mucked up.

Speaking of town... I'm headed out as soon as I get some normal clothes on.... hopefully it won't be longer than next Monday before I post again. :)

Online again!

2007-03-26T17:21:00.000-07:00

Finally online again. It's been a few weeks since I blogged and I actually missed it. :)

I just got back online last night, and I'm still trying to catch up, slowly though as I have a LOT of work to do. It's interesting how much time I've physically worked during a time of no computer or TV. There is a lot of time wasted! Heck, 2 hours a day of TV comes out to roughly 60 hours a month that we sit and watch TELEVISION? Wow.
That is a lot of time that we could be doing other things. But, I still love my shows, and usually I TIVO the very few shows that I do watch, which means less time in front of the TV because of no commercials. I usually sit at night when I'm too tired to do anything else, but I also usually end up doing other things too... like folding clothes, crocheting or knitting (well, I give it my best but I still suck at both of those!).
Well I will have to catch you all up a little at a time, or perhaps I will write a book of a blog tomorrow... who knows! :)

My Horoscope Told Me Not To

2007-03-05T13:28:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's right, it told me not to. :) So I skipped my appointment today since I still have some work to do with the taxes before taking them in, but I should be able to finish it today.

Here's an interesting question -

DO FRIENDS HAVE TO BE CONVENIENT?
Most of my friends do not support my move to the sticks. I keep getting comments like "well I don't ever go there" or "well I don't like to drive that far". It makes me wonder what I'm worth as a friend I suppose. I'm a little hurt that people think that we "won't ever see each other" just because I move an hour away from where I live now. I don't see anyone on a regular basis as it is now, and I am usually the one to instigate any kind of a get together anyway. I'm going to be living 30 minutes away from Boise, where there is all kinds of things to do, places to meet up at, everything. But I get this kind of attitude about moving? Am I petty? I would drive an hour to visit my friend for a few hours. If the location of "me" is inconvenient, does that mean that you won't be interested in visiting "me" since I'm not in a location that is convenient to "you"?

I would expect for friends to be happy for me, because if they really know me, then they know that we will still be friends and still get together even if I live a little farther away. I've had two people respond right away with comments like "well call me when you move in so I can come up and see it!" or "it sounds like it's so you, I'm happy for you." - those comments were such a relief to hear.
I am so sad that people think that I'm just going to disappear. I hoped for much different reactions. It is very nice to know that I will be missed, but I don't think I should be missed - is my point. I'm still close enough, I'll still be in town every week at least. Ahh well, I guess I just have a job ahead of me to prove to everyone that I'm not forever away.

On another note...
I'm trying really hard lately to think positive about things, and it does seem to be working. It's a challenge. It is so worth it though. I had wrote out the things I wanted in a home, and 30 minutes later I found the house that holds most of those things. A few weeks ago while I was in Sun Valley I was telling Adrian how I want the best of both worlds with everything... How I loved this little house in Hailey that was within walking distance of the grocery store, library and coffee shops... and how it had neighbors, but not too close, and the street was so charming. I also told him how much I adored the country lifestyle and how amazing I feel out by myself, when I can blast my music and not worry about people freaking out next door... that kind of thing. I realized yesterday that the cabin IS the best of both worlds, it's barely 1/4 mile outside of town, within a mile of the school, and definately walking distance to the stores and such. At the same time it feels like you are totally in the middle of nowhere out there, at peace, enjoying the quiet while being so close to town.

I think that this all fell into a place for a reason.

Monday again - busy week ahead!

2007-03-05T08:21:00.000-07:00

So this will probably be my only post this week! :P

Today I have to finish my taxes, I have my appointment at 1! EEEK!

After I get home from that the girls are supposed to have swim lessons, if they aren't still hacking like crazy still. Then I get to make dinner for everyone, clean up after everyone and try to not be angry about it. Then I have to keep working on packing, making several phone calls.

Tomorrow I will take a load up to the cabin and get a PO Box and go by the school. I wish I knew someone to borrow a trailer from for the week, that would make my trips alot better, but oh well. I'll take the small loads if that is what I have to do to get moved!

I have so much I want to write about, but I'll have to do it later, I have too much to get done! :)

Friday Friday Friday

2007-03-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

The end of the week, but it's also the day that I end up the busiest, because of all of the things that I've procrastinated doing - now they have to be done in one day. Like the taxes, I'm almost done, but the numbers astound me, horrify me would be more accurate. It makes me feel so foolish to have thought it was actually going to work. UGH.

I think we may start some moving this weekend, there is so much here that we really don't need day to day that we could really start getting it out of here. I'm getting to that point where I just want to get it over with. I feel so chaotic inside when things are up in the air like this. I just want to get settled and be DONE with it all!

Well here I am blogging (procrastinating) instead of finishing my taxes! lol
I suppose I had better be off to work! Hope everyone has a great day today!

Monday Sweetness

2007-02-26T08:08:00.000-07:00

I love Mondays. Everyone is GONE from my house by 8am and it's so NICE to have the house back, it's quiet, no ones looking at my dishes pile and smirking because I'm on the computer instead of at the sink. I can sit and write my blog while listening to "my music" that no one else in the house (cept for the kids) likes! So, I'm listening to Carrie Underwood... CUZ I CAN! lol

We went up to the cabin Saturday and Adrian loved it like I did, after pointing out every little flaw that he could, and we put a deposit down on it. We're so excited. We'll be saving at least $250 a month, and that means we can use that to pay down debt and hopefully be in a position to buy at this time next year.

We'll have the whole month of March to move, but with 2 weekends already taken up it should be interesting... ugh. Adrian's only home on the weekends, so that leaves this coming weekend, and the last one of the month, which sucks because that's Spring Break, and I was planning a trip for myself to go visit friends from Roseburg to Portland. Ah well, I suppose I can wait until the Summer.

I'll be making phone calls to find out if there is anything other than dial-up available out there (not looking good) and to see if I can still get my DirecTV (doubtful also). There is cable, so there is hope. hehe - So today I've got those phone calls to make and the taxes to finish up (yes, STILL). Oriana sleeps in late on Mondays, worn out from all of the playing with all of the sisters and other kids that were here all weekend (6 girls all weekend long). I should do myself a favor and go back to sleep, but I enjoy this quiet time too much. :)

Once we get moved we can start working on plans for our big camping trip this summer, and planning our wedding. I'm excited!

Hmmm... what else to write about... I've got to figure out a way to keep me busy at home but also make money. I wish that I had some talent that would keep income rolling in. I'd love to be able to make/sell things online. I'll figure something out!

I don't think I included this picture in the pictures of the cabin, so I leave you with it today - and I'll smile everytime I look at it.
Isn't it cool?

I know, I said we were done looking for a while

2007-02-21T08:35:00.000-07:00

But I found a cabin in the woods for rent, in the area that I would like to eventually buy in, so it's perfect in that way. It's FUNKY, totally unique and kind of quirky - my kind of cabin. :) Well, except that in my kind of cabin there would not be an indoor sauna but instead a outdoor hot tub, and I would get a ginormous antique claw foot tub. In this cabin there is a sauna, but no bath tub to be found. There is a shower in the sauna, and in the main bathroom, but no bath tub? There are lots of things to concider.

A huge factor in this is that I now have a roomate whom I can't just leave hanging and she can't afford my rent here on her own, and doesn't know anyone to have move in for a roomate. :(
I feel like I have a responsibility to her and I told her that we'd be looking for a place in May/June, not a week after she moved in. It's unfair to her to move. But I have to think about my family too - I will have to figure out how to make it right if we do decide to move....

The cabin is great, I love it. It's so unique, so cool that it feels like me. And talk about back to basics... check this out... it has an antique wood cook stove - that's in working order. It's those lovely colors of cream and light blue. It's gorgeous. It has style and grace AND it's functional? I mean I don't know if I'd really use it, but it's SO cool that it actually works! I suppose I'd use it on Turkey Day, when the regular old electric stove is full and I need an extra place to warm sides or bake bread.

The property the cabin lies on is not in such good shape. It's got lots of random things laying around that are sort of scarey when I think about my girls running around out there, or even the dog. There is shattered bits of glass around each of the really old beat up junker cars that are spread out on the land. There's probably 6-8 of the old junkers, some of those are pretty creepy too. A friend tells me that rattlesnakes like to hide in that kind of atmosphere. eek!

The land is rough, it's very rocky, little to enormous, just rocks everywhere. There is no garden space. There is space to plant flowers outside of the HUGE wall of windows (a LOT of windows, ahhh) in what looks like a big planter box that runs the length of the wall of windows... there's probably a name for it that I'm not aware of. I could do an above ground garden, it'll just take a little more work in the short run...

Well I must put an end to my chatterboxing and daydreaming. I hardly slept a wink last night and I have GOT to get some sleep! Oh, and I need to catch up on my drama (soap!) so I see a corner of a couch with a velvety soft blanky that is just calling my name...

I leave you with a few pictures of the cabin and grounds... feel free to give me your input!

The property - I spy 3 cars (or what used to be cars)

The beautiful and so unique handrail

The kitchen looking outside - my car - and the ancient snow plow thingy in the driveway.

And the kitchen with that gorgeous stove... and a common area over by the window.

Oatmeal, again?

2007-02-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

I'm tired of oatmeal. I'm tired of trying to eat healthy. I'm BORED to death of it. I'm LAZY. I don't WANT to work to figure out what to eat that is healthy. I don't want to try to make good and healthy decisions every day. But, I WANT to be fit, not skinny really, but fit. You know, where the fat on your back doesn't jiggle when you go up or down stairs?! Ugh. It's tiring and boring and it's work. It's supposed to be worth it. But, I've been doing weight watchers for almost 7 weeks now, paid nearly $100 if not more and I've lost 3 pounds in total. 3 lousy pounds. I'm pretty sure I could do that by going to the bathroom. But I eat my damned oatmeal and I try, I really try to stay away from foods that are not healthy, but it sucks ass and I'm not going to stop bitching until I drop at least 10 pounds! There's a thought, what if bitching were like an excercise... THAT would be cool!

I have roomates! Interesting stuff huh? My friend and her daughter moved in with us last week and it's so strange to have a friend over at night to watch American Idol with me.... so cool!

We aren't moving until May or June (did I say that already?) Hopefully we will be able to find the perfect place by then, I'm sick of moving, I'm sick of worrying about the crap that happens to someone elses house when I live in it, I want my own!

I want big trees surrounding my house, I want dogs (yeah, more than one!), I want to take in stray animals and give them a home, I want a garden, I want snow on the ground in the winter, I want to plant flowers and watch them bloom in the spring, I want a garden in the summer, I want fruit trees and berry bushes, I want horses and I want room to groove, I want neighbors - but not close enough to hear my music, but close enough to notice if something is wrong. That's all, that is all I want. That's not too much is it? I'm not asking for fame and fortune or to have my name known, or to have a brand named after me. I just want peace in my home, and around it. I want my children to feel comfortable running in the woods around the house, with the dogs by their side, I want to curl up by the wood stove in a comfy chair with a blanket, a cat on my lap, a book in one hand and a cup of tea in the other.

Ok, now you all know what I daydream of daily. I do mean daily. lol

I have to find a way to get there!

Possibilities

2007-02-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

Ok, so there are just too many possibilities of where to live and what to do.

We have decided though that we will take the next month to figure out what area we are going to move to, and then once Spring hits we can really start looking for our "landing place" then. More rentals open up in the Spring/Summer anyway. So for now we are working on decluttering, simplifying and stupid taxes.. yippy.
Well and I will be starting up something business wise for myself by the end of this month.

I don't have much else to say right now and I have got to get started cleaning up this house as we will have much company soon! :)

Little Last Minute Road Trip - Does a body good!

2007-02-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

Well I am typing this from a Hotel room in Sun Valley. It's beautiful, quiet, quaint and charming here. There is just a little snow on the ground and there is a chill in the air! Ophelia and Oriana are cozied up in the big King bed and I'm being lazy on the couch with my papers and my house search tools open on the laptop. Yes, we are searching for a home. We finally made a decision on this and I will share it with you all once I have it all figured out completey. :)
Today I've got houses lined up to look at and the drive home to complete. I have a ton of paperwork to sort through and lots and lots of phone calls to make when I get home!
Oh! A really great friend from 9th grade found me on Myspace yesterday. I am so excited to get to know her again! Kara I missed you! I have a ton of memories from that time and I have always missed her. I haven't seen her since I was, oh - 15? Whoa, I just realized that means it's been 15 years. God I'm old. I've tried to find her several times over the years, but never succeeded! She said she's tried to find me for years too... which is funny because I always asumed with a name like mine (that's never changed due to marriage either) it'd be easy to find me, I guess this is not the case though. lol
Well it's about time for me to get cleaned up and walk the kids down to the nearest coffee shop for some hot cocoa! mmmmm - crap I have to be good though. I had a really bad day yesterday and splurged on a sweet coffee drink AND fast food... ugh. I probably gained 5 pounds! lol
I hope everyone has a great day!

Tiny Piece of Me

2007-02-06T22:44:00.000-07:00

My dad took me fishing off of that pier.
I went to those highschool football games.
I walked those streets.
I took my brother on that half-pipe ~ in a shopping cart!

Man I miss it there. I came upon this video by chance, I couldn't believe my eyes, it's such a SMALL town! I miss it so much, I cried all the way through the video, but mostly because I miss my dad so much lately and I couldn't believe I got to look at that pier.

laptop takes a crap

2007-02-05T08:47:00.000-07:00

yay. I'm so excited. My laptop decided to die rather than to try to compete with the brand new Gateway laptop/notebook that Adrian just got from work. The minute he brought it with him to sit next to me (mine was on my lap), mine started acting quirky. Then about 15 minutes later I had to reset it, so guess what - it didn't even come back on!!! :(

So I probably won't be online as much, it's much harder to find the time to dedicate to just the puter. Usually I'm multi-tasking somehow. If I have the puter on my lap I can watch tv, get 2 lazy things done at once. lol. But if I have to go upstairs and be stuck in the little office with just the computer, then I feel I'm even lazier.

Maybe I'll finally get my taxes done?

Well I guess we shall see. That is the thing that I'm most worried about this week. Taxes, and finding a new home, a smaller and easier to care for home!

2007-01-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

Since I had a BUNCH of crap come up this week, I ended up running a ton of errands and spending a LOT of time on the phone - just dealing with all kinds of different issues, so I didn't get everything done, but I got a good start on a lot of it! I'm proud that I got as far as I did, I was soooo busy all week!

This weeks goals ~
~ To clean, organize and declutter my bedroom GOOD START ON IT
~ To start organizing my reciepts for taxes STARTED ON IT
~ To not put off the bills DONE
~ To take that a step further and make some much needed phone calls about my bills - I will be downgrading our DirecTV, cell service and phone service DONE
~ To write at least 1 page a day (I'm writing a story for the first time in years) WROTE 3 PAGES
~ To seek counceling service for debt management WORKING ON THAT
~ To organize file folders for the household bills and spending WORKING ON THAT
~ To read and work in my workbook BEEN DOING THAT
~ To keep up on the housework and keep laundry done and put away DONE

I did so much extra stuff that wasn't on this list! I taught myself to knit, and I'm halfway through my first washcloth. lol
Adrian got his first paycheck today and I set up a lot of bills for automatic withdrawal since we will actually be able to afford it now! WOHOOOOOOOOOO for a good paying job! He's so proud, excited and practically giddy! He's worked something like 55 hours this week and he's not even done, 20 hours of overtime a week is pretty awesome. I just hope he's not going to burn out and crash! Well off to get ready for a party tonight! :)

Update on my goal list

2007-01-16T14:52:00.000-07:00

Today's only Tuesday and I would like to have them done by Friday so I have plenty of time.

This weeks goals ~
~ To clean, organize and declutter my bedroom Uh, haven't started, eek
~ To start organizing my reciepts for taxes haven't started that either!
~ To not put off the bills DONE
~ To take that a step further and make some much needed phone calls about my bills - I will be downgrading our DirecTV, cell service and phone service DONE
~ To write at least 1 page a day (I'm writing a story for the first time in years) TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT!
~ To seek counceling service for debt management WORKING ON THAT
~ To organize file folders for the household bills and spending WORKING ON THAT
~ To read and work in my workbook BEEN DOING THAT
~ To keep up on the housework and keep laundry done and put away LAUNDRY IS DONE & FOLDED, NOT PUT AWAY YET

A little late

2007-01-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

But just as important- I think we all should watch, listen or read this every year at the very least. We need to remember this, we need to be more like he thought we should be. Imagine if we were?

Goals

2007-01-14T21:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm attempting to do sort of an inside out make over for myself, body and mind basically, this year and here is one thing I'm starting - Goals, mini goals, big goals, ultimate goals and weekly goals.

So here I start - because I am so incredibly jealous of those organized mama's who seem to have it all together. I'm constantly reading a couple of different blogs about homemaking and homesteading, they inspire me quite a bit I must say. I'll be posting the links to these wonderful blogs (if you enjoy reading other peoples meal plans and laundry habits - they are especially entertaining. lol - I must be a mom!) in the very near future. :-)

This weeks goals ~

~ To clean, organize and declutter my bedroom
~ To start organizing my reciepts for taxes
~ To not put off the bills
~ To take that a step further and make some much needed phone calls about my bills - I will be downgrading our DirecTV, cell service and phone service
~ To write at least 1 page a day (I'm writing a story for the first time in years)
~ To seek counceling service for debt management
~ To organize file folders for the household bills and spending
~ To read and work in my workbook
~ To keep up on the housework and keep laundry done and put away

I know, I'm crazy right? It is a lot, but I am not working, I'm home all of the time and really - why not? What else do I have to do? Search for good TV - no, not an option. I need to get off my ass and get down to working on stuff that makes a difference in my life, TV and movies certainly do not.

Well I had better get off of the puter and get started working! :) Have a great day everyone!

A New Creation

2007-01-08T07:20:00.000-07:00

This new year seems to have brought so much change already.
I'm trying to make some personal changes and also Adrian's been making some changes as well. The new job he has is keeping him incredibly busy and he seems to be just loving it. I'm not so excited about it, but I can't help but feel excited for him. He feels like he's working for a company that values him, and that has been HUGE for him. I'm thrilled that I'm finally with a driven, intelligent, motivated man. I'm certainly NOT used to that. The significant relationships in my life have been with men who were good fathers, but not motivated or driven enough to get out of the comfort zone and make the steps toward a better life. Adrian is willing to risk it.

I have started a weight loss program and I'm doing pretty good. I was actually honest on my food tracker. lol. I've got two close friends actually doing the same program with me and that is so helpful to know I can call one of them with quesions or just to whine! lol

We rearranged our living room on Adrians day off. Well we actually rearranged 3 rooms - Abbi and Alex were sharing a room, I've separated them and put Alex in the "playroom" downstairs because she has shown so much responsibility with keeping her room clean. So we had to re-do the playroom, which meant moving it all out (that sucks!) and moving a lot of it into the living room. So behind our "living room" area (behind the couches) we have made a "family play space" with the big square coffee table and lots of board games and toys. I'm glad that they will be right there when playing and I will have more control over how much TV they suck in every day!

We have been going to church, we went to church on Wednesday night and the girls and I ate dinner there. It was cheap and good and made my night a lot simpler! Then the girls went off to choir, then they went to their individual kids groups. I went off to the kitchen with the ladies clean up from the "Super Supper". I then went to the bible study. Adrian and I took the girls back Sunday for the service and Sunday School for the girls.

Well I think that's all for now folks! I'll try to start blogging more regularly since my readers seem to have dropped off... I think they tend to do that when I don't post regularly!

How to start off a new year.

2007-01-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad blogger. I know. It's been rough getting through the holiday's. I have so much to do I'm overwhelmed (seems like a theme in my life). I've got some resolutions I'm working on. I never make resolutions because I never follow through. We'll see how that works out this time.

Some of the things I'm working on -

~Positivity
~Treating myself & everyone around me better
~Being a better friend
~Being a better mother
~Being a better spouce
~Loving myself
~Healing & moving on

I need to change, this last year I have learned a lot and hurt a lot. I really really need to heal. I've not treated myself (especially my body, but also my mind)very well and I haven't treated the people around me as I should be.

Why is it that we treat our "acquaintances" and people we don't "love" - so much better than those we love the most? I hate this. I heard that saying probably close to a year ago and I have taken notice to how MUCH it has rang true.

If you haven't heard that or paid attention to that - I suggest you do. If you think about the way that you speak to a stranger, and the way you speak to your husband/wife/kids/parents. For a lot of people, it's just natural, we don't even think about it. My challenge is to think about it, all day - every day, and pay attention to how I'm treating my loved ones. Because they matter more than a stranger does when it comes to people in my heart.

Daddy's Birthday

2006-12-14T15:32:00.000-07:00

Buried at PhotoCasket.com
I love you DAD
I didn't forget your birthday this year!

Motivation - Where do I find some?

2006-12-13T10:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I was officially working now... and I'm having a hard time. There's so much to do around this house, but as usual I feel totally overwhelmed when I look around. Each day I think to myself in the morning "I'm going to clean and get the whole downstairs cleaned and done!" Then I come downstairs... see that Alex left her binder and papers all over on the couch, papers all over the dining room table, then there is some napkin and rag on the kitchen sink that looks as though it has been used to clean up blue ink, same thing in the bathroom sink. Abbi's homework was sitting on the kitchen table. This is the day after she brought home an absolutely disgusting mid-term report card. I just hate that my kids can't get it through thier heads, the things that I preach to them every day for the last 12 years. CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELVES!
I keep remembering what Amy said to me when we were re-doing the kitchen "you just gotta get on those kids"... I wish that I could say that yes I need to get on them. But the truth is that I have, I do, every day, every minute, every hour. I mean shit, what does it take? I'm so freakin' frustrated over all of this. I just can't stand it. I spent 2 hours cleaning the kitchen yesterday (yes, it was nasty!) then when the kids got home I asked Abbi to put away the dishes... can you guess how long it took her? 2 hours, OVER 2 hours. To put away a dishwasher full of dishes. Then this morning I go back into the kitchen and see that she hadn't even put away the dishes that were on a towel on the counter, obviously clean dishes too. Not only does she do crappy jobs on every thing I have her do (yes, I've done every chore with her a few times a year so that she knows exactly how to do it right)but she also manages to come up hurt or sick during every chore. She doesn't see it, she just cries and whines when I tell her that I'm sorry if you hurt, but you still have to do your chores... then I get to feel like shit and wonder if it was one of the times that she was telling the thruth. But I just can't let her get away with it either. I'm so sick and tired of the crap that comes with kids... I love the little moments, love the stuff... but not the same crap that keeps going on every day. I'm so so so over it. I wish I was the happy mom that didn't mind the daily shit. I just am not.
Ok, so you can tell how my day will go.
Oh, and we are suddenly a one car family! I'm not sure how I feel about this at all... but oh well.
Everyone have a better day than me, k?

1 Year Today

2006-12-12T12:16:00.000-07:00

Since my DAD was found....
I love you Daddy and I will never forget you.

"Gonna Get There Someday"

Well its been a year and there so much to tell
been doing alright in spite of myself
just wish I could stop feeling bad when I pray
But I know I'm gonna get there someday

Got that job I was dreaming about
sometimes its tough traveling around
but who I wanna be still seems so far away
but I know I'm gonna get there someday

glad I told you all I meant to
while I had the chance
cause every moment I had with you
made me who I am

by the way, I met someone new
and wouldn't you know, she's a whole lot like you
still I ain't ready to settle down in one place
but I know I'm gonna get there someday

well I guess I'll be movin on
I'll just leave these daisies by your stone
and momma, I still miss you every day
but I know I'm gonna get there someday

when that'll be, guess only God can say
but I know I'm gonna get there someday

Crazy week!

2006-12-06T14:43:00.000-07:00

Well I've been busy with our house... rearranging, baking, cooking and all sorts of stuff. We did our family Thanksgiving last night. It was supposed to be Sunday. Saturday night we spent rearranging the living room to make room for the tree. I hurt myself in the proccess though. I was fixing the new curtains I had put up and then tried to step down from the back of the couch to the coffe table and then to the floor. Well, I had just polished the coffee table and so my foot went flying and the rest of me came down hard and slammed my other leg (shin) into the edge of the table. It hurt, it hurt BAD. I went and got the ice pack right away, then sat down and pulled up my pant leg to see... I freaked! It looked horrendous! It was like a dinosaur egg sticking up off of my shin. Man it was nasty.
So anyway, I couldn't get the dinner done since I could barely walk. So I sat down with ice for most of the day. Then Monday we were going to have our dinner then, but Adrian ended up working late. So we resorted to Tuesday, which Adrian ended up working late again... so that sucked. We didn't end up eating until 8:30 since we were waiting for him. But, at least I have my leftovers. Though I think I OD'd on the triptophan (sp?). I got the kids off to school and Adrian off to work this morning and then fell asleep on the couch until Oriana woke me up at 11!!! Wow!
So today I have to get the family packed up and the house picked up. We are headed out of town for the weekend. The town we are going to should have snow and we are staying in a really nice place with enough room for all of us. Of course I forgot to figure something out for my dog though! I'm trying to find her a kennel to stay in - so last minute I hate this!
Well I really need to get off my butt and get a shower and I'm going to go out looking for some snowsuits for the girls. I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Bitch

2006-12-02T17:36:00.000-07:00

When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch.

When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch.

When I speak my mind,
think my own thoughts
or do things my own way,
they call me a
bitch.

Being a bitch
means I won't
compromise what's
in my heart.

It means I live my life
MY way.
It means I won't allow
anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am
defined as a
bitch.

The same thing happens
when I take time for
myself instead of being
everyone's maid, or
when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage
and strength to allow myself
to be who I truly am
and won't become
anyone else's idea
of what they think I "should" be.

I am outspoken,
opinionated and determined.
I want what I want
and there is nothing
wrong with that!

So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame,
try to squash every ounce of
beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch ,
so be it.

I embrace the title and
am proud to bear it.

B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself

B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything

I met Dierks

2006-11-30T08:43:00.000-07:00

And I'm still high from it all.

This could be a long blog folks... take your chances reading this one! lol

_____________________________________________________________________________________
Dierks Bentley has had some hold on me since I saw him in Reno a few days before finding out that my father had passed. It was truley the last care-free and happy time I had. Then after a while I found some sort of release in his music. The lyrics he writes and the voice on that man astound me. Shortly after my fathers death I found the song titled "Gonna Get There Someday". If you find and read the lyrics you will understand why that hit me, well if you know me at all anyway. :)
I have a bunch of little things that connect him and my dad in my head, it may seem really silly to some.. but I'm not worried about that at all. I know how I feel. And I know how Dierks' music makes me feel. I believe it has given something to me that no one can understand - maybe someone, but it's so hard for me to describe that I'm just not sure you could.
I went to his concert last night and amazingly I had won a Meet & Greet pass with him. I met a few of the other fanclub members and Meet & Greet winners as we all stood in front of the center of the stage (I was basically second row, which meant I was right there in front! YAH BABY!). We touched hands, held fingers and had everyone singing just a inches away from us at many points during the concert. I reached out and touched a few members of the Randy Rogers Band, Miranda Lambert and the wonderful Dierks Bentley! We even had the whole Dierks band move onto the center stage right in front of us and sing a song for us. That was incredible, we had to bend our necks backwards to see them!

I (and 15 other of his fan club members) waited after the show to go back and meet him. We all stood in a single file line and about the time we were getting situated in line we realized that he was right there at the front of the line. It was real. He met each one of us, introduced himself (like he needed to) gave us a good hug, signed whatever we had there for him to sign (and then some) and then we all just stood around and talked. Some of us asked him actual questions and made conversations while others were caught up in the novelty of it all and had him talking to people on cell phones and signing more things... It was a wonderful experience.
In the end of it as everyone was walking out and I had already gotten my good-bye hug, I told him I had another question. I started to ask him about a certain song, the "Gonna Get There Someday" song, but words escaped me and I couldn't form the sentence "Where did your inspiration come from for 'Gonna Get There Someday'?". I said something like "dammit now I can't even remember the name of the song" - he replied to that by asking "Gonna Get There Someday?" me-"YES, THAT'S it! How did you know?" him-"A lot of people ask me about that song". We talked for a few minutes and I told him how much his music has helped me to heal, and how much that song meant to me. He looked at me with those gorgeous eyes and said something like "I'm really glad you told me that, that's so nice to hear. I'm so glad you told me and that the music has helped you, I'm so sorry for your loss... it's terrible." This is almost word for word and the thing that struck me hard was his sincerity, he was so genuine. He hugged me over and over as I told him the story and I probably woulnd't have told him so much if he hadn't seemed like he wanted to hear it. I said goodbye and thanked him and told him how much I appreciate him and the time he took for me... I was the last one to leave and we had stood there talking alone for a couple of minutes. I was all find and good until walking out and looking Adrian in the eyes. He knew what it meant for me to get that chance to talk to Dierks. I couldn't help but let a few tears fall. It was just amazing that he was so sincere and so genuine... I really hadn't inteneded to talk about much except getting him the letter that Patty had sent for him and letting him know that his fanclub sucks ass. In the end I didn't even mention the fanclub. Dangit! Oh well- that night was so awesome that I really don't care! :)
I really wish that I had had a few more minutes. There are things that I forgot to mention to Dierks but maybe another time....
For now I'm just happy to have gotten to see the concert, and that I got to meet Dierks, I'm so incredibly gracious for that chance.

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!

2006-11-21T19:13:00.000-07:00

Buried at PhotoCasket.com

Today is wierd

2006-11-20T16:37:00.000-07:00

I'm tired today. I wanted to get the house picked up, and it probably would have only taken half of the day, but I'm just drained. This weekend was good and bad, yesterday I spent most of the day crying and upset. I suppose this could be reason enough for feeling drained.

We went out Saturday night with a friend and a few of their friends. It really was so much fun. There was of course the end of the night tiff that results in having 5 drunk people in close proximity all night. One person remembers something the other doesn't remember at all and it's downhill from there. No biggy though, it was still one of the best nights I've had lately.

My cat is really not happy that I'm tired. She normally has her litter box cleaned on Monday's and today it was extra yucky! She let me know by running and jumping onto the pile of clean laundry on the couch and peeing, about 12 inches from my reach. She even saw me watching her. So I went promptly and changed it.

The dog did something similar this morning and I can't come up with a good reason for why she would do this. She peed on a pillow on the floor in the play room this morning and she peed a LOT. I don't know what her problem was.

So Turkey day is this week and I am so not ready for it to be this close to Christmas! I haven't done any Christmas shopping at all. UGH
I'm trying to figure out what I can make for the kids that they would find acceptable for Christmas presents since I'm totally broke! lol

Well tomorrow I am meeting with someone about parking the coffee trailer on their property! YIPPEEE! I am excited, I really really hope this works out. It will solve a lot of our immediate problems. :)

I probably won't be able to post until next week so everyone .... Have a happy THANKSGIVING!!!!

Cat & Mouse

2006-11-17T07:49:00.000-07:00

There is a real live game of cat & mouse going on in my house. Nope, not a dr.seuss story book either. We have had a mouse living in our house/kitchen for a while and now there is the chase and catch game that cats play going on in my living room, for the past hour. I wish they didn't torture the poor things, just get it over with already! It makes me feel badly and sad for the mouse. Then I think about all of the food that I could potentially have to throw out. I think about my dear friend that had mice in her house and couldn't get rid of them in any humane way. She did everything you can do humanely. Still had mice. It was such a headache... and so I'm just hoping that this is the only one, though my brain is trying to tell me I'm dumb for even thinking that. lol

Anyhow - it's nice not working. For now. I know myself and I get bored really fast when I don't work. I need a good inbetween, working part time and staying home part time. I could have the best of both worlds and that would be amazing. Right now I'm looking at a location for the trailer and trying really hard to not be too pushy. I need this to work out. I need something to work out! I'm hoping that it does, and I'll let you all know if and when that happens.

Otherwise I'll be applying for a part time job. Hopefully I won't have to, but maybe it would be a good thing too. I'm positive that it would be nice to not have everything fall on MY head for once. Handing over the ultimate responsibility at the end of the day would be so refreshing.

Well I think that's about it for today. I'm looking forward to spending Turkey day with my in-laws and my new sis! :)

Maybe I'll add some pics one day. lol
I've been missing shooting the camera like I did when I was in Florida and not working, I was always shooting and looking for new angles/subjects/lighting and all of that good stuff. I miss it, it was a creative outlet for me and I need to get started with it again! :)

Well I'm off to clean/organize and possibly work out.

Hooray for Monday!

2006-11-13T10:10:00.000-07:00

I know, most people don't say hooray for Monday, right?
WELL I DO!
Why?
Because I had 4 EXTRA girls in my house all weekend. That meant 8 all together. It was insane. We did have fun, and we did actually get things accomplished. I moved my 2 oldest girls into a bedroom together and then moved the 2 youngest into a different room and into bunkbeds which means they have a bigger play space. That gave me an extra room, and with all of the stuff from the shop that has thrown up in my house and filled it to the brim, I needed it. So I moved in to my new office! Adrian and I have a living room/office. We now have a cozy spot away from everyone where we can sit and read together, listen to music, watch movies or use the computer and not be interrupted as much as in the regular living room. :)
We are watiting to hear (today!) from the new job that Adrian had applied and interviewed for weeks ago. We'll see how that goes and I'll post as soon as I can about that. We are really very excited to hear about this though!
Thanksgiving is fast approaching, which I'm completely fine with, but then that means that Christmas is also fast approaching and I'm NOT ok with that! I can't believe that it is so close! YUCK! I have not done any shopping, I mean NONE! lol
Well it's time to get back to working on everything I need to in order to actually get "working" again. hehe - Right now I'm going to enjoy the quiet a Monday brings, all but 1 child are back in school today and I'm going to ENJOY the quiet time!
Happy Happy Monday!!!

We had a night out together!

2006-11-05T21:37:00.001-07:00

And we had a GREAT time together! Can ya tell?

Closed

2006-11-04T11:24:00.000-07:00

I closed the shop. for good. gone forever. done.

Yep, I did, and really - I am glad.
I feel like shit about it because of my customers. The few great customers that we had are amazing and I just hate walking away from them. The way that things happened I had no choice but to give no notice to my customers and I'm just so frustrated by this. Just walking away, it sounds so easy but truley it is SO hard. It honestly makes me feel like a loser! Other than what my customers thought of me I really have not felt like a loser in this.... more like a winner in a losing position. It is a losing deal with the darn location and lack of many business-boosting things that it really needs! I'm rambling and may not make sense - but you know, it's been a wee bit of a stressful week.

I'm in the process of trying to find places for all of things in my house now. It's turned upside down and loaded with stuff. Even the garage is a cluttered mess! We have no room for anything and my kitchen is just disgusting. There's not that much that is truley dirty in there but it is just cluttered with so much stuff. It's kind of fun to have all of this stuff but geeeez it's going to take me forever to get the house all together!

Well I have to find time to get a LOT of crap done today so I need to get off of here.

Happy Saturday!

Since everyone else is doing it....

2006-10-29T00:15:00.000-07:00

I think this is a little funny, I did have a few people (who I thought were certifiably crazy) say that I looked like a few of these, I've gotten the "Jennifer Love Hewitt" a few times. I think it's odd, and I think I look nothing like her. But whatever.
You see I've never understood why we compare ourselves to others. Not even parents really, you may look similar to your mother or father, but you are YOU. Completely individual. So why try to compare?
I remember when my first child was young and her fathers mother kept trying to find similarities in everyone related to Alex and Alex. "Who's ears do you think she has?" I remember her actually asking me this, I thought it was strange and answered her "I think she has Alex's ears". Is it really that wierd of me to think that my child might have her OWN features?
Sometimes I see true cases in photographs where there is an absolutely undeniable similarity, or strange clone-ness about the two being compared. Like Amy and McKenna, there is no doubt that child will forever look exactly like her mother. The childhood photo's can only be told apart by the difference in style of clothes, photography and lighting.
Then there is this curse. I'm 30, yeah, I'm still having a hard time dealing with that. So, I'm 30, aging, and seeing this likeness to my mothers features which I can't stand. I'm against plastic surgery for many many reasons. But as each day passes and I see more and more of the woman who birthed me but cannot love me in the mirror, I concider it a little more. I can't figure out what exactly I'd want changed. I don't have any real problem with my face, except that it's aging and looking like someone I don't want to look like.

Anyhow, here's my silly celebrity comparison, and maybe I'll come up with one for Adrian too, just because I'd like to see.. hehe. Ok it is kinda fun.

Tuesday Tuesday

2006-10-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

What's so great about Tuesday? Well my Mama's group meets on Tuesdays, that's special. They are great women! We are pretty much all very outspoken and well just blunt, meaning honest. I love that. Sometimes they drive me batty, but I know that these women have huge hearts, and will be there for me if I need them, as I would for them. That is so comforting.

What else is up today, oh the job thing for Adrian. Well the owner and a couple of the other dudes will be getting together tomorrow morning for a meeting on basically what to offer him. They know they want him, they just have to figure out what to offer. It sounds awesome though. Well it sounds like hell a little bit too. They would have him incredibly busy most every week and he would really not be home except on the weekends. He would be expected to travel for 1 week out of every month and he would be pretty much traveling the rest of the time too. There's work to be done all over the state and he would be the only mechanic in Idaho to cover it all. So that would mean that our time together would be limited. But it also means that I could probably stay at home more, and actually feel like a mom/homemaker. Which would be really nice.

I decided to close the shop early this week and only be open from 8-12 since the college is on fall break.

Oops, it's getting that time, I gotta go get milk and head to the shop!
TTFN!

Lazy Weekend

2006-10-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

We had a very lazy weekend. We almost decided to go up to McCall for the weekend but decided that instead, we would move the loveseat to sit right in front of the TV and hold it down all weekend. I got probably 2 loads of laundry done and the kitchen is thrashed from our wonderful dinner last night, but it was worth it and it really isn't that bad. ;)

Weekends are usually taken up by searching for something. A place to fish, a place to camp, a new place for our drifter souls to call home. We are allways gone searching or playing on the weekends. It was nice to sit and watch football and the race all day yesterday. So, so nice.

Today Adrian is out of town, flew out of town for an interview. It sounds like he will have a wonderful new job and it's possible that I'll be able to be at home more. We aren't sure what is going to happen yet but I'm sure by the next weekend we will. We are so far behind on every bill that we have it's just getting overwhelming and we will probably be moving soon.

I have mixed feelings about moving. My girls are settled, we have 1 great family next door, the girls have numerous friends on the same block, I love that we are at the end of a cul-de-sac, I love my kitchen, I love my bathtub, I love my closet but my house is too big and too too too hard to keep clean. We are having a hard time with this.

Next weekend will e full I'm sure, we'll either be looking for a new home, or maybe we'll be camping. We may go up to McCall or something like that... It's a beautiful drive and so much fun.

Well the college is on Fall break this week and so that means we will be dead-slow. Big surprise. We have been dead-slow for the past 2 weeks. It's getting very frustrating. But this week I will take advantage of the fact that we will be dead anyway and I'm closing at noon every day.
Which means I must go get ready to close - I feel like I just opened! lol

Have a great week everyone! :)

DIERKS!!!!

2006-10-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

Yep - I'm in LOVE with the man. Not in a girly "oh I want to have his babies" sort of way, though I certainly woulndn't turn him down. It's in a "THAT man can sing!" way. "THAT man can ENTERTAIN" way. "THAT man can WRITE" way. You see, he's not just any old country singer. He's amazing, he sings about real life things, about a lot of things that I would sing about. He's a traveler, he writes and sings about traveling, about those "Long Trip Alone"'s that we all need to take once in a while. Well maybe it's just me that needs to take those. But I doubt it, those of you that don't take a long trip alone once in a while - you probably need to, but don't even realize it.

The last two years have been a huge change for me. I've learned so much about who I am, what I love - even if it doesn't make sense to every one. I can say "I LOVE that!" and not worry about the sideways look I may get in response.
I've tried to learn to live like I'm dying, cuz I am, so are you - are you gonna have fun on the way? I AM! I'm doing everything I can to make sure that I don't take regrets with me but I take memories instead.

Dierks sings "Every Mile a Memory" and I can't help but tune right in on that.
I'm listening to the new album right now and wow... I'm gonna have to look up the lyrics and post them - cuz I can't tell you how much I relate to this! Here we go - it's called "Can't Live it Down" - he's talking about life, exactly what I was talking about - this might give you some insight into lil' ol' me - if you're interested. :D

"Can't Live It Down"

I've been called a rambler
'Cause I keep my eyes on that horizon line
And I've been called a gambler
'Cause I always wanna let my winnings ride
I've been broke more times than I can count
I've been stuck for days in a lonely town
When my luck ran south

[Chorus:]
Hey I might be makin' me a reputation
Of goin' my own way and
I can't live it down
Got the throttle wide open gonna live it up knowin'
In this life you only
Get one go around
And I can't live it down

There's times I've wasted money
'Cause I know that I can always make more cash
But wasted time is something man
When it's gone you can't get it back
So I'll go on burnin' up both ends
'Cause I don't want a whole lot of might've-beens
Now that would be a sin

[Repeat Chorus]

Gonna live for place I ain't been
Make a lot of good remember-whens
Right up to the end

[Repeat Chorus]
I can't live it down
I can't live it down

Wow - THIS IS SOOOOOO ME. I want to quote some of the lines, especially about burning cash - but I can't - it's the whole damned song that is JUST.SO.ME.

Children

2006-10-11T19:42:00.000-07:00

Why do they do this stuff to us? lol

I hate anything repetetive - repeating myself, or others repeating the same thing over and over to me.

They know this. They know the rules. They know what happens if they don't follow the rules

************AND THEY STILL DON'T FOLLOW THE RULES!*****************

I'm really frustrated with this. My girls went through 4 bottles of shampoo in 2 months, and that's with the older ones going to their dads for 2 weeks out of every month. THAT is rediculous!!

************************************************************************************
I'm not going to post anymore wah wah wah stuff now.
************************************************************************************

Trip!

2006-10-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

Ok, we finally got the road trip thing out of our systems! lol
We went to Roseburg this weekend. The plan was to go crabbing at the coast with IL's and out on the FIL's new boat. Well - it didn't work out that way at all!
Here's what happened -
Friday - I came to work to find that I had flooded and made a huge mess, my fault and it's a stupid mistake I will hopefully not but probably will make again! So, I spend a few hours getting things together and cleaning that mess up. We leave (thanks to my wonderful friend and daycare as-needed provider, Christy, we got to go without kids - YAY) at around noon. We get all the way to Ontario (30 min. away) and the dog, Roxy, decides that it's a great time to go into heat! So after stopping at the nearest store and buying the only thing that we could find that would work - we are back on the road. Roxy is wearing her new HULK T-shirt and boys briefs (worn backwards for the tail to come out of the hole. hehe).

We take our time a little bit and stop a few times for a little fun on the river. hehe
We end up getting into town pretty late, but when we rolled through a friends house at 12am we were lucky enough that they wanted to take Simon (the incredibly dumb dog we've had for a few months - we had full intentions of getting him a new home some time on the trip!) off of our hands and all was well. I'm SO excited that I don't have to think about what is going to be found destroyed when I get home from a very long day at work!!! YaY Simon found a home! :)
So we get into town pretty late and stop by the bar to say hello to a few friends. We had a "that's why we don't live here anymore" moment and then headed to the IL's house to sleep. It was really nice to not have to worry about the kids. The dog though - man it was a pain! The next time we go on any outing by ourselves, we aren't taking any dog! It's so nice to feel free to decide on a whim that we want to change our plans and do something that's not easy to do with kids in tow.

Saturday we had a pretty good day - though we didn't go crabbing! We went to breakfast where Adrian played a game of Keno and bet on our September birthdays - and WON! He won $72! That helped a lot!

Then we went around visiting different people we've missed and some we realized that maybe we didn't miss as much as we thought. lol (j.k.!)

When we still thought we were going to go out on the boat we were getting it ready to get hooked up on the truck and I was digging around in the back of the truck. I had climbed up into it and when I backed myself down I hit on some medal piece of the tounge of the trailer - in the middle of my thigh. OWWWW!!!! It tore my pants, which really pissed me off because they are one of the few that actually fit COMFORTABLY! So I have this huge black bruise on my thigh that looks horrible and there is a nice big square of flesh in the middle of it from where it scraped all the skin off. Yuck.

So, my favorite part of the trip - Saturday afternoon. It was beautiful outside, perfect temp for me, mid 70's. I insisted that we go to the park and lay on a blanket on the grass in the sun - no phones, no card games - NO distractions. It was awesome. We stayed for a little over an hour and man I soaked up every minute of it. I so wish we could do that more. It's something that makes us just pay attention to each other and we just enjoy each other and the love is just so strong. It doesn't happen like that when we take the dogs or the kids, there's just always something distracting us.

Sunday proved to be a very very long day. We finally got home sometime around 12am, and found that I had forgotten to pay the gas bill and it was shut off while I was gone, which meant that we had no hot water to shower with. EEK. So we did it the old fashioned way and heated water in pots on the stove to put in the bath. It was a pain, but I didn't mind too much. It was more a pain because I was so darned tired!

So we ended up sleeping through the alarm and we were both late to work. I can't wait to go to bed at 8pm tonight. It will feel incredibly good! :)

So that's my weekly update. Happy Monday everyone. :)

Itchy Itchy

2006-10-02T07:56:00.000-07:00

I'm so itchy for a road trip. I thought I would get my fix this weekend as Adrian has been planning with his parents to go to the coast and go crabbing. We were all going to camp out and I was hopeful to get an extra day off but unfortunately, I don't even get the normal weekend off that I usually do. Hopefully it will still be a good thing, but I was really looking forward to the trip.
This Saturday is the Albertson College of Idaho Tast of the Harvest festival thingy, in which I will be a vendor. So, I will be preparing for that this week, trying to find someone to help me with it and finding someone to watch my kiddo's during the times I'm there and setting up/tearing down. It'll be a long day I'm sure!

This week is going to be hard, I can tell already. I was sick and sleeping for most of the weekend, which means that most of the housework did not get done. We still did get a good amount done, caught up a bit on laundry and such. But with the TOH this weekend we still have a lot to do, I've got to figure some things out on the trailer, practice driving with it and parking it some more since I will have no one to help me with it this weekend! I'm sure it'll be fine, I'm not taking it very far at all, not even on the highway.

I'm feeling like I am getting a head cold - Joy.
My head feels cloudy and stuffed up, and my eyes kinda hurt. I wish I didn't just come on here and complain but I try to write about stuff I'm thinking about and look what I'm thinking about - crap! lol

Well I just finished the updates on my website, I missed doing it yesterday like I usually do.

I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get through this winter with the shop, I just am not sure that it's going to make it, especially since I'm doing it mostly on my own. I'm hoping that I can hire someone but I'm not sure that I can really afford it, but for my sanity - how can I not afford it?

I need a nap. Do you think my customers would freak out if they came in and I was asleep on the sofa in front of the fire - with drool making a waterfall down the side of the pillow? lol

Alright, I'm signing off for now. :)
Hope you all are having a good day!

My everything hurts.

2006-09-25T11:29:00.000-07:00

This weekend we cleaned, and cleaned, and cleaned and then... we cleaned some more.

I can't believe how trashed our house gets so freaking fast. We worked so hard that we are both sore as heck this morning... MAN we worked hard! Adrian did the yard at both home and the shop. I did endless loads of laundry, dishes, scrubbed bathrooms, swept, mopped, dusted, vacuumed, clutter-cleared... lol. EVERYTHING!
We came to the shop to pick up paperwork and I ended up cleaning the basement.

So, now... my everything hurts.

I just realized that there was a band in town from Humboldt County Cali. that I really really really wanted to see.. and I didn't remember this weekend when they were here.. ARGH!

Today has been pretty steady here at the shop... nothing too bad at all. :)

I still haven't figured out how to do soups, I don't know if I have the energy for it. I've been updating my site every week and actually been pretty good about doing that, I'm actually proud that I've kept up pretty good. I'm sure there are things that I miss and such... but I am trying! lol

I don't know what else to write about... I'm starting to get really tired.
I need to eat! Maybe I'll add more later, but for now I'm off to make an egg salad sandwich, or something of the like.

October

2006-09-18T07:34:00.000-07:00

Since Dad died I've been just gaining more and more fat. So, I've decided that in October we will make a full transition into healthier eating. I've been working on this for the past few months and I've got the family eating healthier and interested in Organics and all natural products. So I figure I can make the full transition by Oct. and we can all be eating healthier.

My own goals will be to go to the Y for at least 4 days a week, the kids will love this part. I will also go from eating 1-2 large meals a day to eating 5 small meals throughout the day. I will give myself a free day every week so that I can eat what I want, when I want for one day. I will only have up to 2 servings of red meat a week, try to stick to turkey, chicken and pork when I need meats. I will do as much veggie as possible and limit everyone's meat content. I will start insisting that the kids, Adrian and I ALL take our vitamins more regularly.

This all means that I have to figure out a REALLY good routine! With 6 of us, and Adrian and I both working 50-70 hours a week, it's going to have to be a strict routine - which I do not do well with. Yikes!

I really want to teach my children healthier living habits though, and I really need to put myself on a routine instead of this chaotic life we have been just barely getting by in.

Adrian and I have had a rough time, with hardly any help at the shop and as much as he works, we are both extremely stressed and over-tired. That just is not good, it means we bicker, or (like this weekend) we fight, like crazy! I can't take it and neither can he. Right now we don't see any other options but to make a major change and hit the problem head one.
The Problem - Chaos The Answer - Routine
At least, that's what I make of it? lol

So after a hard weekend we are trying to return to some sort of normalcy.
Hope everyone had a great weekend!

30

2006-09-15T08:02:00.000-07:00

30 Years old today. Yep, 30.

It's 9am, and I've been open since 7:30 -with not even one customer yet. It's going to be one of those "I hate this place!" days again... unless of course it picks up! Then, I can deal! Of course, right now - I'm sitting on the loveseat with my bare toes propped up on the brick and keeping warm by the fire in front of them. I love that. I love a fire, even if it's a fake one from a gas fireplace. If I could just figure out a position to sit in so that I don't set my laptop on fire... now that would be cool.

Well at least I know that someone will come in today, one of my friends offered to work for me for the afternoon even though I've not known her very long at all. How cool is that? I told her no, and told her that she needed to just come and hang out with me instead... that would make me happier. Of course, I would love to not have to close! Oh, wait, I have Sarah coming in to close tonight, I think! That's awesome! And she is working tomorrow, so if I happen to be hung over for some reason, then I'll be ok to sleep in ;).

Is it totally selfish to want to be treated like a princess on my birthday, particularly my 30th? I was imagining all of my kids being extra good this morning and making it easier for me to get out the door. I imagined Adrian getting them up and dressed so that I could sleep an extra few minutes. I imagined him coming to the shop (since he already came here before me this morning to get the fireplace working) and leaving me flowers and a card, or little notes or something. But, as usual - there was nothing like that. I came in and there were no flowers or love notes.. I had to yell at the girls to brush their teeth - again, because I obviously haven't said it 327,567 times before.

I know Adrian has gotten me gifts, and I'm sure they are wonderful. He gave me a really pretty bracelet last night. All week he's been like "it's a pre-pre birthday gift"... trying to give me things before today, and I've been insistent that I don't get anything until the actual day. See, I like a lot of presents, but I usually don't get much, if anything. Alex's birthday being the next day sort of steals my glory. So I like to save anything that I do get, until the last second so I can open a bunch at once. lol.

After tomorrow I will be on to different subjects, I swear. I told you - I'm obsessed! lol

I wonder if the one brother that speaks to me on occassion will call today. I don't think I called him on his bday, so that wouldn't surprise me if he didn't.

I'm totally bored, I'm sure there is a lot that I could be doing, but I figure if I'm here 63+ hours a week, I'm going to sit and goof off for a while. lol

Ok, well I'm running out of things to write about so I'm signing off for now! :)

Ok, this is pathetic!

2006-09-13T08:10:00.000-07:00

I can't write today. It just seems that there is too much random stuff to write about.

So, we'll just go with the flow and see if you people can keep up :P

I think I must be bi-polar. One day I love this business and the next I hate it. It can't possibly have anything to do with the fact that one day is awesome and the next is very very very lonely. Right?

Birthdays - Friday is my 30th. You probably already know this if you know me at all, as I have managed to tell everyone, a lot. But, a very good friend of mine, her's is tomorrow, and I have forgotten it. Knowing fully well that her bday is the day before mine, all I can think about is myself. I'm really disappointed in myself. I love you Jenn! Sorry I'm such a shitty friend, forgetting about you!

Today is my brothers birthday and even though I've barely spoken to him in years, it really hits me on his birthday how much I miss and love him still, asshole that he is. I really wish my family wasn't so spread out and (searching for the right word) detached. It's like none of us care about each other at all. I don't understand how something like this happens. Why don't we care, or try to stay in touch. There are 3 brothers, and me - the boys have different dads and my dad is gone. My brothers don't give a crap about me and my mom conciders me dead. How nice. One of my brothers talks to everyone, but no one else talks to anyone but him. What the hell is that about? I mean really, what kind of family doesn't communicate at all? The kind that is not a family. The kind that makes me feel so alone in this world. There is no one to mourn the death of my Daddy with. That hurts.

Speaking of Daddy - this is a warning. I've been thinking about the coming holidays lately and I'm realizing that this holiday season is not going to be anything less than heart wrenching. The first week in November marks the last time I spoke to my dad. The end of November (particularly Thanksgiving) marks a year since the time that I knew something was wrong and booked my flight. The first week of December marks a year since I got that horrible phone call on the way to the airport from the coroner in my dads town asking if I knew him and that he was investigating his death. December 12th to be exact. December 14th was/is (is it was or is?) his birthday. Then there's Christmas, which marks 2 years this year since the last time I saw him, hugged him, pushed away his kiss on my ear, smelled his icky smell that now seems so sweet, watched him hold my kids and love them, layed my head on his lap and felt him stroke my hair as he always did. God I miss him.

Well it sure is a good thing it's so slow in here today since I just gave myself a nice little crying fit over that! lol. Yeesh!

What else can I ramble about that maybe won't make me cry as much. Hmm... Wookie, I need to go to Pendleton now. For my birthday? SEE I'm obsessed with my damn birthday!

Coffee, now there's a subject worth rambling about. I've never been a big coffee drinker - I know I know - it's wierd. I've always liked a mocha, or a latte, but I've just never been into having coffee every day or anything. All of the sudden, in the last few months, I have about 2 - 3 cups a day. And I was fine not having any until I had it made here at the shop. Now I want it made when I wake up. LoL. I need a travel mug now because I actually want it before I make it at the shop and I wouldn't want to leave it behind. Crap, that reminds me that I still need to get Adrian one, I forgot. LOL.

Well I think I wrote enough for today, wouldn't you agree? Let's see if I can end on a happy note...
~Coffee, Chocolate, and Men are so much better rich!
~Why Coffee is better than Men

You can make coffee as sweet as you desire.
A cup of coffee always looks good.
Coffee smells good.
Coffee tastes good.
Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
You can have a good conversation with coffee.
You can have coffee anywhere, anytime, and not get arrested.
You can have as many coffees as you desire.
Coffee doesn't care what you look like.
~I don't have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem without it!

Long Weekend!

2006-09-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

Friday night I went to play Bunco with some mommy friends, and friends and family of theirs. It was a blast, a few people were tipsy and it was just hilarious. I didn't drink anything but water (I made up for that all day Saturday!). I even saw a certain someone doing the sprinkler move at one of the tables! I won! Ok, I won by default because I had the most losses, so basically I won the award for being the biggest loser! lol. I met lots of really cool women and I'm really excited for the next game in October!

Well we ended up going camping in Leavenworth, Washington this weekend. Jenn and Adam (good friends from Washington) had reserved a lodge at the KOA there and they let us bust in on them! lol
We didn't finalize plans until Friday night and we left early Saturday morning. We met Jenn and Adam and family (their 3 boys) up there sometime around 7 or 8. We had a great night! We put all the kids (the 7 of them!) down with a couple of movies and sat out on the porch of the lodge talking and having a few drinks. Adam was hilarious, he didn't drink much at all but man was he acting silly. lol! It was so good to see Jenn, I'm so glad we went!
Sunday Adam made breakfast and we all went into town, walked around the shops and then went tubing on the river! YAY! It was sooo much fun! It was a little frustrating because we couldn't manage to go the same speed as Jenn and we lost her at one point, little bit scarey! But the kids all had such a blast, it was so much fun. I'm so glad we went!
Sunday was Adrians birthday! Happy Birthday BABY!!!
After the long day in town and on the river he made dinner, he made some un-fricking-believable steaks! God they were good!
Then on Monday morning we all had to head back home, totally opposite directions! :(
We first went back to town and got some coffee, I was a complete coffee snob of course and didn't end up getting any after taking a good long look at the machine. lol. We stopped by a fruit stand and a natural food store on the way out of town to get snacks for the road... Such a long drive. Worth it, but such a lonnnnnnnnnng drive!

I think it's possible that her oldest and my oldest might like each other a bit, we'll see how it is next years when the hormones are really flying! ;)

Well I've got tons of work to catch up on so that's all for now folks!

Kassi, is that better? lol

Back to Business!

2006-09-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

Yep, been too busy with the shop to update :)
The shop hasn't been too busy, we are still having low sales, but they are much better than most of the summer days, so it's ok! It'll be a while until we get our staff back and business back to where it needs to be. I have faith though. It's been really rough this summer, and I just hope that we get things all back on track sooner than later.
Things have been hectic, trying to get things back into some sort of a routine. We have got to figure things out a little better, there is so much chaos in the morning and evening it's just insane!

I have too much crap to do!

I forgot to get milk, for the shop. So I'm very limited and if I happen to get hit, I'm in trouble. eek! Running this by myself right now... just sucks! But, it feels good to because I keep track of the sales and know exactly where I stand without having to guess how much of the money is going to go out to employees. Though I miss having a friend here at the same time.

I've been trying to deal with so many different things lately, it's constantly one stress on top of another and I'm so so so sick of it. It seems I must have done something really horrible to deserve all of the shit that comes at me all the time. I tell my friends to tell me if I've done something, or if I am being stupid about something, tell me if I'm in the wrong. Still though, more crap every day. It's like every day I have a new stress to think about.

I can't stop daydreaming about a simple life, not a paris and nicole kind, a peaceful, hardworking (for myself and my family) kind.

Holiday?

2006-09-04T07:52:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure what this holiday is supposed to be about. Maybe I should be embarrassed about that. But, oh well. You no like that me dumb? Sowwy!

So, hopefully everything that I need to be open today will be, otherwise, I'm screwed! I have to work on the shop, all day. Adrian will go with me and help me get the outside cleaned up and then we will work on the inside, getting everything clean and shiney. It will feel good to know that I'm going back to my old routine. To know that hopefully there will be money coming in, God I hope.

Speaking of God - I didn't go to church. HA! Figures eh? Hopefully next week, at least it's a goal right now. I don't even know why I want to go. I guess I'm hoping to feel a little more grounded, or something.

Last night I had a get together at my house - we had a local moms group pot luck. We ended up with 16 kids (I think?) and that was from 5 families. I was really hoping that a few of the other moms would get together too... but they all ended up busy with a real life or something. :P
It was a great time though. I worked ALL day LONG Saturday and Sunday on the house, cleaning like a mad woman. Adrian was feeling sickly and didn't do too much on Saturday, but was able to help out more on Sunday. We were so excited when after everyone had left, our house was still clean! What? Amazing, I know. The only rooms that were a little messy were the playroom and the little girls bedroom upstairs. Like I care? lol
I'm so glad we did it, the house feels so good. It felt so good to have all the families over that came, they are all such awesome people. (I need a little throbbing heart emoticon here! hehe)

Ok, I'm off to get my coffee, wake Adrian - again, and head to the shop! :)

Saturday Mornings

2006-09-02T06:25:00.000-07:00

It's a Saturday morning. What the hell is my ass doing up at 6am? Don't know.
The alarm went off like it always does and Adrian slept through it, like he always does (even though HE wanted the alarm on his side so that I didn't have to be woken up by it when it was he that was getting up earlier!). So I awoke, thought that maybe I'd be productive and do the dishes that I haven't been able to get done for the last 3 days, or go to the Y that I already have my membership paid for a year - and have gone only 4 times since I paid that - 3 or 4 months ago. Ugh - What did I do productive? I'm sitting here, writing on a blog that maybe 3 people look at. lol. Ah well, who cares! lol

Labor Day Weekend -

Saturday- We are working on the house and yard in preparation for our Potluck BBQ thingy we are having with my local mommy group famiy on Sunday. Tonight, we may treat ourselves and either go to the $2 theater (if it doesn't smell like nasty sewer contents outside of there today) or we'll take the boat out on the lake for a bit.
Theater smell? I know, that sounded wierd, I'll explain for you 3 that are reading! hehe! The deal is, that for some reason, on some days, it smells HORRIBLE outside near the theater. There's some sort of plant or farm or something near there and the smell is even worse closer to the theater. The problem is that we thought one time that if we went inside the theater, it wouldn't smell like that. WE WERE WRONG - VERY VERY WRONG! It was intense, like concentrated in there, seriously it smells just exactly like you are sticking your head down the toilet of a port-a-potty, not kidding at all! Then when you get outside, you think "take a deep breathe, it's gotta be better out here!" Wrong again! You take a deep breathe and drop to your knees and vomit right there! I really don't understand how when coming out of there people were not gagging and vomitting everywhere. I sure as hell was close, very close to it.

Sunday- We are going to church. There, I said it. We are going to church, I think. There's been so much shit going on in my life lately, that I'll take any sort of help that I can get, any bit of support. Then we'll come home and start fixing up whatever is left to clean and such on the house and the cooking before people start showing up in the afternoon.

Monday- We will be working at the shop, Adrian on the outside and I on the inside. Getting it all pretty and ready for opening up on Tuesday. Hopefully we won't have to spend the entire day there, but I'm thinking we probably will.

That's it, that's our Labor Day weekend. Hopefully, the house will be in order and I won't feel so overwhelmed working all the time and coming home to a house that's clean rather than chaotic. Hopefully.

Welp... I'm off to start on laundry and dishes... ahhhhh.

New Day

2006-09-01T07:22:00.000-07:00

Today is a new day - and I've decided that I can't be held back by anything anymore. I simply have to get moving on a lot of things, I have so much to do, so much I'm responsible for and I just can't be held back by depression.

It will take your life over. I can't let it. I don't have time to let it.

My message for depression - Back the fuck off! You will not take over my life. You will not hurt me. You will not hold me back. I will determine how I live my life. I will not let you suck me down into a fat nobody sitting on my couch and eating all day long.

So, today I have a ton of things to do. I first have to tell depression to get the hell out of my way so that I can take care of the actual important things.

I will be opening the shop again next week, and there is so much to do! Hopefully we can get it all worked out today and be ready to roll next week.

My request is still out there - anyone with any sort of good news - please, just email it to me or leave it in a comment. I would so appreciate it!

Losing Friends

2006-08-31T05:18:00.000-07:00

I guess as we get older we will start losing friends in one way or another. I'd rather lose a friend because of something trivial, some misunderstanding or small betrayal or something. I'd rather lose a friend to anything other than death.

Yesterday was one of many horrible-news bearing days. I found out through looking at friends profiles on MySpace.com that a friend was killed in a motorcycle accident last week. What a way to find out huh? No one bothered to drop me an email much less a phone call. I hadn't spoken to Scott in over a year, but that doesn't mean that I didn't hold him in the same place in my heart that I had when we spoke everyday.

Scott was 24, he loved motorcycles. When I met him we were working together and developed a very close friendship. He wasn't interested in me nor I in him, but we loved each other as only friends do. He helped me get through one of the hardest times in my life. When I left my husband due to the suspicion of abuse. Scott was there, helping me get through every day. Scott would take me to a park and we would just sit and talk and lay on the grass... Scott would play with my kids like an older brother. He is/was amazing and I will remember him forever.

I can't believe that my Scotty is gone. He called me Natty, he was the only one to ever nickname me that. I don't understand this world. He was 24 for god's sake. He had a heart bigger than Texas and a smile that wouldn't quit. I'll never forget that smile, and I'll never forget the friend I miss so much.

Now, I would appreciate any sorts of good news, because my life has been REALLY lacking in that this last year, but mostly the last 2 weeks (other than when I lost my Dad of course) have been one thing after another. A friend of mine sent me a cute email with a picture of a donkey and the story of how he fell in a well so the owner decided to just shovel dirt on it and bury it. Well the cute donkey shook of the dirt and stepped up on it with every shovel load. Of course, the owner piles enough dirt that the donkey then shakes off that the donkey is freed. It was supposed to make me feel inspired or something I'm sure - but you know, I wrote her back and said that IF it were dirt, sure I could shake it off.. But, I'm not getting dirt piled on me, it's nothing but SHIT - Which is sticky, ewey and gooey - I don't feel like digging my way out at this point.
My purpose in this story - email me or comment me with any good news you have, even if it has nothing to do at all with my life, I need to hear good news.

Happy Hump Day!

2006-08-30T07:06:00.001-07:00

This morning I had a ton of things that I wanted to write about and nothing is coming to mind now... WTH? lol

One thing that's been on my mind a lot - Hopes and Dreams & Contentment (is that a word?)

Contentment - Will I ever reach that? I love so many different things that it's often hard for me to nail down something I want because I might be just as much in love with the exact opposite of that one thing. Does that make sense? Probably not, but if you know me at all, then you know my lack of ability in decision making. It's usually the problem I face because I like so many different things.

For example - I want my own land, I want acres and acres of forest, streams or a river running through it, my own organic farm, my own animals for meats and dairy, chickens for eggs, and my family all pitching in to make it happen. We would limit what we bought so then I would be able to stay home and raise my family and be as self sufficient as possible. I want to know where my food comes from, watch it grow and pick it at it's peak with my own 2 hands.

Another dream - The exact opposite. I love the idea of living in the middle of the city, with all of the entertainment and culture that I need just a few steps out my door. I want to be able to walk down the street and have sushi for lunch, walk to the farmers market and enjoy the busy downtown district. Walk my dogs around the block to the park. Get what I'm saying?

So maybe you can understand now why I wonder if I will ever be content - Ever!?

Happy Hump Day!

2006-08-30T07:06:00.000-07:00

Yard Sales

2006-08-25T06:46:00.000-07:00

Today I was going to do a yard sale. I posted it on Craigslist and everything - But, it's not working out. I tried to go and edit my post, it says that it was changed successfully, but it still says that it's on Friday too. Argh. I just need the furniture taken outside, but I can't manage it by myself so I'll have to wait for Adrian to get home.
Yesterday we decided that we had to do something to help with the money situation, and the house feels cluttered, so why not do a yard sale. Well because typically it's not a good idea to decide that the day before you are planning on hosting it! My house is thrashed because I've been too busy running through everything and digging for more stuff to sell! HA! What a joke. I hate my house right now... It's just plain filthy, there's dishes to be done, tons and tons of laundry to be done... I'm so sick of laundry! 6 people, 5 of them girls (meaning they have dress up clothes, skirts, skorts, shorts, jeans, dresses and more than the jeans/shorts combo's that boys have) equals a LOT of laundry. Dear Lord, if there is a Lord, HELP ME!

Ok, I'm off to go find some coffee and start the endless loads of laundry! Wish me luck!

Girls Adventure

2006-08-21T07:12:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I decided that I would take all the girls out for a camping trip, just the 5 of us. We wanted to go somewhere new, but close enough to where Adrian could meet up with us and we wouldn't waste too much money on the darn gas!
We chose a place and, of course, we didn't get started until later in the day. We pulled into the park (after a 2 hour trip had turned into 4) and it's almost 7pm. We drive through the entire park and there is ZERO spots that aren't reserved for the entire weekend. What are 5 ladies in the middle of nowhere to do with no camping sites, no maps (my bad, I stupidly brought them in the house on accident when cleaning out the car) and no way to set up a tent in the dark, not to mention the fact that we don't have a place to set up!!! Well we call home and try to get Adrian to find the state park website, but unfortunately, he wasn't home! I called one of my best buds, Jenn, to find me some info online. We found a KOA that wasn't too far from us, about 45 minutes away, which meant that we had to get a cabin - which we could barely afford.
We got our cabin and by then, it was beyond dark and we barely got everything unloaded and ate some dinner, cheese sandwiches. Well at least it was an adventure, right? So, Adrian calls me back at 11pm and attempts to find a park for us to camp at since we certainly can't afford to stay that cabin (though it would have been nice!). I packed up the 4 kids and 2 dogs once again, and we headed out. First though, we had to go to town, Twin Falls, and replace the freakin' shoes that the damn dog had chewed up while the rest of us slept. He also ate my one and only $45 V.S. bra!!! But after all of the unexpected expenses coming up, I certainly couldn't afford to replace that right away!
We headed back toward Mountain Home, which was closer to home, and found a state park on the way. Three Island Crossing, was the park we stayed at. It was beautiful and rested along the snake river. We found a site that had great privacy (well as private as you can get in a public park!) and Adrian met us there that evening after work. Good thing he showed up because I found that there wasn't any good firewood to be gathered and he had pallets from work. Not only that, but I had also forgotten the air mattress pump! Also, Adrian usually ends up packing up the tent, well he had packed it last time and not included the plastic joints that you NEED for setting up! He had them in a box near the tent, but I didn't know that was what they were for!
We had a great time though! So the next time we head out on an adventure like that, I'll try to be a little more prepared!

Blogging here for the first time!

2006-08-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

So I have friends that are not MSN friendly, and friends that can't stand the blog that I currently use. So today I'm starting a blog here, so that hopefully it can be viewed by all that are interested in my everyday wierdness.