Everything is a little messy

... or, is it just upside down?

I'm not sure what's going on, I feel like I'm in the eye of a storm -Wizard of Oz style. I've been questioning every thing in my life lately and I'm really able to see things with a bit more clarity than before. I'm asking myself things about me as a mother, a friend, a sister, a lover and so on. It's hard to honestly answer some of the questions I have for myself. That disturbs me. I want to find the way to be proud about my answers. I want to be proud of who I am as all of those roles.

There are things I'm proud of, sure. I think I give credit where it's due and look at things more objectively now. I used to have a real problem with that, I realize. It's unfair to hold a stranger to standards that I may not be willing to meet myself. Call it being selfish, or being naive... hell, call it what you want - the shit needs to change.

I've got issues, real issues that are hard as hell to deal with. I am *not* in a good place. I need help, but lack the family support - now I'm wondering - am I the crazy one? did I push them away? is it really possible that my mother could try to defend her lack of concern for her children with her own selfish bullshit? How do you forgive your mother for not being there when your own child was in the hospital, in surgery. She drove right by. She never even called. She didn't care because she was busy with her own issues. How does that even make sense? "I'm sorry but kids are NOT the number one priority" she said this to me!!! Days after Abbi was out of the hospital and only days before she'd go back, week after week for months and months. No one knew what that was like. I'm so thankful that she is doing good now - I'm so glad it's over for her, I hope it's over for good every day.

Anyhow - my point is this - is it only family that will bust down your door if they have to find out what they can do to help in a crisis?
Is it too much to expect from those that you love as family?
They have their own lives and can't be expected to do much besides the occasional virtual (((hug))) right?

I'm not speaking just for myself here - I've seen it happen alot and I feel like there's some sort of dis-connect that happens when the screen shuts off.

It makes me sad. I miss my friends that I consider my family, because everything is a little messy and my family is not one united.

and since I'm sure you'll see this Mom - I'm never going to be ready to hear your side of this until I hear a sincere apology. I think you just don't get how much that hurt and I don't want to speak to you until you do. Harsh? Sure, if you only see one side it may seem that way.